Self Esteem Category

Spirituality and The Inner Child

Core spiritual therapy entails learning to go within and communicate with the inner child. There are several parts to the inner child which are largely submerged in the unconscious. As adults we have gotten out of touch with the feelings and memories attendant with this special child part which carries the potential for healing and deep spirituality. The reawakening of these parts of the personality is crucial to healing the rift between the numerous aspects of the inner child (e.g., the lonely, abandoned, worthless, abused, etc.) and the adult self.

Without inner child work the individual remains stuck in unhealthy relationships which bear the stamp of past learned beliefs about oneself. When one sympathizes with the parents’ traumas of the past, for example, it is a justification for the avoidance of dealing with the painful experiences of childhood and developing more kindness toward oneself. When the parents have spawned the child’s experience of neglect and rejection,...

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Enough with tolerating

This afternoon I chose to leave work a little early and go down to the pool for some exercise and some mind clearing. After 30 minutes and with 64 lengths done and dusted (that’s a mile exactly if you’re wondering about the random number) I headed to the open showering area.

As I was washing my hair a woman with a young son and daughter pushed the buttons of the showers opposite. Whilst the mum and son quietly got on with their shampooing, the daughter felt the water on her back and said ‘burning, burning, burning …’. Strangely though, she didn’t step out from underneath the heat of the shower. She stayed in there chanting ‘burning, burning, burning …’ over and over again as her mum encouraged her to ‘get on with it, get your hair washed’ and re-pressed the water button for more.

Clearly the child wasn’t genuinely burning or anywhere near it, but it got me thinking …

How many of us tolerate ongoing disc...

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Love yourself like your life depends on it - because it does. ~Anita Moorjani.

When I was young, it was a taunt to say to another: "You love yourself, you love yourself". So much so that I believe several generations of us grew up avoiding any sign whatsoever that we might actually care about ourselves and what happened to us. Thank goodness that is changing, and there is a group of poised, thoughtful young people emerging who love themselves so much that they have enough love for others, who can then love themselves and others, and so on. Anita Moorjani had a near-death experience that led her to realise her self-disparagement was causing significant physical and emotional problems. Here's a link to a blog Anita wrote today, and I hope her message spreads a long way! Please share if you like what she says. It's so important.


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Wherever there has been trauma, there will be drama.  Whatever you do, do with a sense of worthiness, with intention, not just being swept along by the past. 

If you are not convinced of your self-worth, just do your best.  Although your best may vary from day to day, moment to moment, as long as you are trying, you are not only getting better, you are perfect in the present moment.


Cheryl Deaner, LMFT

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Get your Self Esteem on.

Wait.  Now that you are a grown up person, who is making the rules for your life?  Who is telling you what to do?  Your boy friend or girl friend?  Your parents?  Your friends?  Are you allowing others to make deceisions for you?  Why is that?


Life is tough, and Murphey's Law is always hanging around (What can go wrong, will go wrong). You cannot make life go away, not really. 10 beers, 6 glasses of wine ,9 Schnapps, or various drugs will make you feel good, then zoned out.  You are trying to forget about the awful event you don't want to face:  your supervisor, your wife, you lost your money at the poker table, death of someone in your life, breaking up.


Trying to forget something, does not make it go away.  You just keep trying to forget, but it's still there.  So, the best thing to do instead of covering up your situation by running away, is to stop, turn around, and face the bad situation head on.  You wi...

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5 Strategies for Combating Shyness And Social Anxiety Disorder: How to Build Social Skills: Part 1

By Matt Sandford, LMHC
In a previous article I provided some helps for sorting out the differences between Shyness, Introversion and Social Anxiety Disorder. This is a companion piece meant to offer suggestions for addressing the skills of the person struggling with shyness. I believe it can certainly be helpful for those who identify as introverts or those struggling with SAD as well. Let me here explain something specific concerning introversion. Unlike shyness and SAD, introversion is a personality trait, and therefore the goal, my goal, is not to change it. No one’s personality needs to change in order to be fulfilled and be their best self. Our goal should be to mature, to grow. We may need to become more comfortable with who we are, but we don’t need to change our identity. Maybe you need to understand and discover your identity, but that’s not changing it. My desire is to provide some helpful skill development, but what that means is simply developing and honing...

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The Wall and the Bridge: Constructing a Path to Overcome Past Wounds

By Matt W. Sandford, LMHC

Everybody is wounded. It’s like we’re in a worldwide war that is always going on. From the time we were young there was shooting going on around us and sometimes we got hit. Maybe we got hit by a random bullet of shame or judgment or ridicule from a loved one? Of course they also could have been well timed sniper attacks by those who wished to take us down? Maybe we got caught in the machine gun cross fire of attacks between parents or family members? Maybe we were the victim of a tank assault that blew our church apart? Maybe it was the grenades thrown by bullies at school? Whatever kind of attack it was, I believe that no one arrives at adulthood unscathed. There’s just too much shooting going on for someone to make it with no wounds. And that includes the perpetrators, those wielding the guns and pointing the mortars and grenade launchers. Because I believe the book by Sandra Wilson, with the title, Hurt People, Hurt People. Heck, that is...

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5 Strategies for Combating Shyness And Social Anxiety Disorder How to Build Social Skills, Part 2

By Matt Sandford, LMHC
This two part series on how to increase one’s social skills and confidence in social interaction is a companion piece to my article on Shyness, Social Phobia and Introversion. Part one proposed the need for trying new approaches in terms of social interactions, offered some places to look in making new friendships, and then provided strategies 1 and 2, which were, I Don’t Know What to Say, and I’m Afraid to Initiate. Here are the final three strategies.
3. What If They Think I’m an Idiot, or Something Worse!
We now have to consider the seemingly unpleasant prospect – that someone does respond poorly, or rudely or belittles you or your opinion or comment. There’s no getting around the reality that there are insensitive and small minded individuals in this world, who are self centered or just plain mean. But I think it helps if you can remember that if someone like that has a poor opinion of you, that it actually says more about the...

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It takes courage to look inside

When I think of all of the patients I have worked with over the years I think of all that they have accomplished through the trusting relationship we were able to create.  I know how much courage it takes to look inside oneself and learn how to shine light into those dark places.  In a recent conversation with a patient she was struggling with why she continued to have the same negative thoughts.  I validated her feelings and supported her emotionally and as I sat there with her she eventually blurted out (much to her surprise) what the real problem was.  I heard the pain and we worked on the negative belief.  She showed great courage in continuing to work on the issues instead of running away or hiding as she had done in the past.  It was amazing to be with her through this and to see the strong capapble woman she was.  It reall does take a lot of courage to go inside.

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Fitting In

Even as adults, we strive to feel like we fit in somewhere. Whether career wise or with a group of friends, we want to feel included and feel like we matter as individuals. When this is threatened, our defenses can come up and cause conflicts. Seeing others as part of a group and you are not, can make you feel hurt when you are not accepted. You might feel that this is a knock on who you are as a person and that you are simply not “good enough” for who you are. It can be taken as a personal assault on your character and the result can be feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety.

How do you overcome the feeling of not fitting in and being left out? First, recognize that it is not necessarily related to a personal flaw in your character or something that you did. It could be a number of reasons that a group has left you out. They may be a shallow group who have a sense of superiority and only include who they feel meets some standard (whatever that may be). It may be that...

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