Do you feel like your teenager shuts you out, ignores you, or even hates you at times? Is it hard to have a conversation or do you feel like you can’t get them to open up?
If you’re feeling this way, it probably isn’t your imagination. For many parents, this happens during the adolescence period of their child’s life and this is a common time when teens have a natural tendency to separate from their parents and seek psychological autonomy. No matter how great of a parent you are, at some point, it is going to feel like your child is shutting you out. But don’t worry, this is normal.
In fact, it’s part of a process of self-realization that helps them determine who and how they’ll be as adults. And the more you can see and respect them as individuals, the more you can be available to them to match their needs during these years.
Here are 5 things to do when your teen shuts you out…
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Set aside “un-parenting” time with your child. An easy way to bridge the gap between you and your teen is to adopt a time or mode of relaxing that is “un-parenty.” For at least an hour a week at a minimum, release all pre-occupations with work and home, put away your phone and computer and exist for the sole purpose of being with your child. Plan something fun. Carve out this time for them to work on your bond and relationship. Be 100% present and don’t use this time to interrogate them. Let them open up to you–even if it takes time.
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Be there when they come to you. Giving them a little space to grow doesn’t mean ignoring or rejecting them. Teens need a lot of guidance and support, so you should always be there to help talk to them and work through the hurdles in their life. Be open to discussing anything they want. Don’t punish them for rejecting your help. Be present in a calm manner and assure them that you are there for them if they are ever in trouble or need help or advice.
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Watch your wording. When you are communicating with your teen, be aware of conversational “trigger words” that can make a child shut down. This might vary from kid to kid, but things like “I want to talk to you,” or “you’re in trouble,” can actually shut down conversations. Think of other ways to approach them like, “I was thinking about you and had some things I wanted to share with you.” Or ask them for a little alone time or a minute over breakfast to talk just the two of you. Watch your tone of voice and don’t act defensive. This will set the stage for open communication.
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Find ways to boost their self-esteem. Help your teen develop a sense of worth and meaning. The best thing you can do is provide an environment for them to grow, focus and flourish. Support their passions. Be involved and supportive on the sidelines. Help them set goals and celebrate their achievements. You can never go overboard here! This will help them to not feel pushed away or overlooked.
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Keep an open mind. Not everything your teen does is going to make you feel comfortable. You might cringe at their outfit choice or not care for the music they like. However, you have to accept that what they take interest in is part of growing up. Making a bunch of rules they’re going to break will only make them rebel more. Find ways to push past your own discomfort and form ways to communicate that are open. Value and respect them as an individual— even if you hate the shoes they begged you to buy for them.
When your child ignores you
These are all easier things to say than do, and we know there will be times when your teen just outright ignores you. When this happens, take the initiative to talk. Don’t leave it up to your child. Check in from time to time and make sure they’re calm and ready to talk when you sit down. Turn off all distractions and define the place where you will sit down. Keep a neutral tone, stay calm and explain what you’ve observed. Remember communication takes time, but doing this will also help them learn problem-solving skills for their future.
Just remember, teens who distance themselves from time to time from their parents is normal. Every kid needs some independence as they grow up, and this evolution can be a way to express your love and help them through life. No matter what, love and accept your teenager and celebrate them as the unique individual they are.
If you are struggling to communicate with your teen, or to understand what they are going through, I am happy to help. Sometimes a third party person can help bridge and strengthen the parent/child bond, and therapy can be a great way to do this.