Self-Esteem Therapy

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem reflects what we think about ourselves. It means we “esteem” and have a good opinion about ourselves. Self-esteem shapes our later life experiences more than those experiences shape our self-esteem. In other words, high and low self-esteem aren’t simply the result of our successes or failures (Orth et al., 2012).

Self-esteem is one of the most studied topics. A 2022 review of the research supports the premise that healthy self-esteem benefits relationships, school, work, mental health, physical health, and lessens antisocial behavior. This is true across all ages, genders, and ethnicities (Orth & Robins, 2022).

How Self-Esteem Affects Your Life

Self-esteem affects how we think, feel, and behave. It impacts our relationships with others and our relationship with ourselves. With healthy self-esteem, we feel confident about our appearance, our intelligence, personality, and our abilities and don’t worry about what other people think of us. It shows the degree to which we have self-respect and believe we deserve respect from others. It is defined by Nathaniel Branden as a feeling of confidence and worth:

“Confidence in our ability to think and to cope with the challenges of life; confidence in our right to be happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, and entitled to assert our needs and wants and to enjoy the fruits of our efforts.” (Branden, 1992, p. 8).

Healthy self-esteem is a realistic assessment and acceptance of our strengths and limitations. It doesn’t mean we’re conceited, but that we respect and accept ourselves, warts and all. Having too high self-esteem that doesn’t accurately reflect reality isn’t healthy. It’s inflated and common among people with narcissistic tendencies. Bragging and arrogance reveal impaired rather than healthy self-esteem.

Self-esteem can fluctuate. When we’re ill or suffer a loss, such as unemployment or a divorce, we can feel down about ourselves. However, people with healthy self-esteem are resilient and rebound to think positively about themselves and their future. On the other hand, low self-esteem can make it hard to cope with life’s challenges and is a risk factor for depression (Orth et al., 2009).

Self-esteem influences just about every facet of our lives. It informs self-care and the way we allow others to treat us and talk to us. Self-esteem affects how we value and communicate our needs, thoughts, and feelings and underpins personal integrity and our ability to pursue goals. It determines our sense of well-being, how we parent, our success in the workplace, and relationship satisfaction. In fact, lower self-esteem early in marriage is linked to a steeper decline in marital satisfaction (Lavner et al., 2012).

Where Does Self-Esteem Come From?

Healthy self-esteem is learned. Positive reinforcement during the developing years helps build healthy self-worth later in life, and a warm, supportive home is linked to higher self-esteem in the teen years (Krauss et al., 2020). Particularly in the early formative years, our thoughts and feelings, role models, and how people react to us influence our self-esteem. Although it’s affected by life experiences, including at school, it’s largely determined through childhood interactions with people closest to us, whose opinion matters most, such as our parents, siblings, friends, and teachers.

There are many causes for low self-esteem, including neglectful, abusive, controlling, or judgmental parenting, bullying by peers, or even mental health conditions, such as anxiety or depression. It can stem from underlying shame if we didn’t feel unconditionally loved and valued by a parent (Lancer, 2014).

Low self-esteem and shame are also at the heart of codependency, where a person’s sense of worth comes to depend on pleasing or taking care of other people (Lancer, 2014).

Signs and Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem

With low self-esteem, we don’t value our own opinions, needs, and ideas as much as those of other people. We’re self-critical and focus on our perceived weaknesses and flaws, yet ignore or dismiss our strengths, skills, and success. We negatively compare ourselves to others who we think are more attractive, capable or successful. We have difficulty accepting negative feedback and may be risk-averse due to our fear of failing. Self-esteem therapy can help with each of the signs below.

How you see yourself:

• Feeling worthless or that your life is meaningless
• Feeling incompetent or inferior
• Feeling unloved or generally unwanted or disliked
• Frequent or irrational feelings of guilt
• Being self-critical or critical of others
• Self-doubt and indecision
• Fear of making mistakes
• Frequent negative thoughts and emotions, or negative self-talk
• Difficulty trusting yourself
• Distorted views of yourself and others
• Lack of agency: a feeling of “I can’t” instead of “I can”

How you relate to others:

• Needing others’ approval and opinions
• Anxiety about being disliked or rejected
• Deference to others
• Comparing yourself to others
• Envy of others
• Staying in relationships where your investment or love isn’t reciprocated
• Being drawn to destructive relationships
• Fear of intimacy
• Difficulty speaking up, sharing opinions, or setting limits with people

How you act and react:

• Self-destructive behavior
• Discounting your needs, feelings, and wants
• Defensiveness and hypersensitivity to criticism or negative feedback
• Discomfort with compliments
• Difficulty starting and completing tasks or pursuing goals

How Is Low Self-Esteem Treated?

Self-esteem therapy and changing our beliefs, behavior, and how we think about ourselves can raise our self-esteem. Since many people have struggled with self-esteem issues from early childhood until the present, it can be hard to change on your own, and a therapist who works with self-esteem can help. Left untreated, low self-esteem could lead to serious mental health issues and even self-harm.

If your relationship is suffering, higher self-esteem is linked to greater relationship satisfaction for both you and your partner (Erol & Orth, 2014). Often, when only one person enters therapy, the relationship changes for the better, and happiness increases for the couple.

A supportive and caring therapist can guide you to a more realistic sense of self, encourage you to take risks, and help you focus on the positives so you can overcome the grip that low self-esteem can have.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is effective in the treatment of low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression (Fennell, 2005; Kolubinski et al., 2018). It helps you recognize the cause and monitor negative beliefs, doubt, and anxiety in order to alleviate painful feelings and enables you to take constructive action.

Once you recognize things that trigger low self-esteem, such as the way you look in a bathing suit, or how you feel when you assume people were talking about you, you can begin to reassure yourself that your limits are self-imposed. The trapped feeling that people with self-esteem issues regularly face can be ameliorated by learning to evaluate the situation and changing negative thoughts. Taking a new and objective view of oneself and the situation is the key to overcoming the powerful pull of low self-esteem.

Change often begins when clients notice their inner critic and start to question it instead of obeying it. As they learn to answer shame-based messages with self-compassion and to honor their own needs and feelings, their confidence grows from the inside out.

Self-Help for Low Self-Esteem

In addition to seeking individual psychotherapy or cognitive-behavioral group therapy, there are things you can do on your own to improve your self-esteem and learn self-compassion.

Your thoughts:

• Monitor your negative self-talk
• Learn mindfulness meditation
• Make gratitude lists
• Go slowly, so unrealistic expectations don’t overwhelm, tire, or disappoint you

Your skills:

• Take an assertiveness class
• Take risks to develop your skills and improve your performance
• Enjoy hobbies

Your body:

• Eat a balanced, healthy diet
• Exercise regularly to build strength and endurance
• Get enough sleep
• Avoid alcohol and drugs

Your connections:

• Stay connected to friends and family
• Recharge your social life through meet-ups, groups, or a class

If eating, weight or exercise has started to feel out of your control, our eating disorder article explains how therapy can help.

Frequently Asked Questions

What causes low self-esteem?

Self-esteem is shaped largely in childhood. A warm, supportive home is linked to higher self-esteem in the teen years, while harsh, neglectful or controlling parenting can leave a lasting sense of shame (Krauss et al., 2020; Lancer, 2014). Bullying, loss, ongoing stress and conditions such as anxiety or depression can also wear self-esteem down later in life.

How long does self-esteem therapy take?

It depends on how long the beliefs have been in place and what else you’re working on. In studies of cognitive behavioral therapy for low self-esteem, weekly sessions led to large improvements, while one-day workshops helped less (Kolubinski et al., 2018). Many people notice they’re less self-critical and better able to speak up before they feel fully confident, while long-standing shame can take longer to heal.

Can you have too much self-esteem?

Healthy self-esteem is a realistic, accepting view of yourself, flaws included. What looks like “too much” self-esteem is usually narcissism, an inflated sense of superiority that needs constant admiration, which researchers see as different from healthy self-worth (Brummelman et al., 2016). Arrogance and bragging often cover insecurity rather than reflect real confidence.

Can low self-esteem affect my relationship?

Yes, and the effect runs both ways. People with higher self-esteem tend to build more supportive relationships, and good relationships raise self-esteem in turn (Harris & Orth, 2020). In couples, each partner’s self-esteem predicts relationship satisfaction for both of them (Erol & Orth, 2014), so working on your self-esteem can help your relationship even if only you are in therapy.

If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 (US and Canada), or see our crisis helplines for other countries.

If you’re ready to get help from a mental health professional, search TherapyTribe to find a therapist who specializes in self-esteem counseling in your area.

This article is for information only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. If you have concerns about your mental health, talk with a licensed mental health professional.

References

Branden, N. (1992). The power of self-esteem. Health Communications.

Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., & Sedikides, C. (2016). Separating narcissism from self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(1), 8–13. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721415619737

Erol, R. Y., & Orth, U. (2014). Development of self-esteem and relationship satisfaction in couples: Two longitudinal studies. Developmental Psychology, 50(9), 2291–2303. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037370

Fennell, M. J. V. (2005). Low self-esteem. In A. Freeman, S. H. Felgoise, C. M. Nezu, A. M. Nezu, & M. A. Reinecke (Eds.), Encyclopedia of cognitive behavior therapy (pp. 236–240). Springer.

Harris, M. A., & Orth, U. (2020). The link between self-esteem and social relationships: A meta-analysis of longitudinal studies. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(6), 1459–1477. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000265

Kolubinski, D. C., Frings, D., Nikčević, A. V., Lawrence, J. A., & Spada, M. M. (2018). A systematic review and meta-analysis of CBT interventions based on the Fennell model of low self-esteem. Psychiatry Research, 267, 296–305. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychres.2018.06.025

Krauss, S., Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2020). Family environment and self-esteem development: A longitudinal study from age 10 to 16. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 119(2), 457–478. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000263

Lancer, D. (2014). Conquering shame and codependency: 8 steps to freeing the true you. Hazelden Publishing.

Lavner, J. A., Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2012). Incremental change or initial differences? Testing two models of marital deterioration. Journal of Family Psychology, 26(4), 606–616. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0029052

Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2022). Is high self-esteem beneficial? Revisiting a classic question. American Psychologist, 77(1), 5–17. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000922

Orth, U., Robins, R. W., Trzesniewski, K. H., Maes, J., & Schmitt, M. (2009). Low self-esteem is a risk factor for depressive symptoms from young adulthood to old age. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 118(3), 472–478. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015922

Orth, U., Robins, R. W., & Widaman, K. F. (2012). Life-span development of self-esteem and its effects on important life outcomes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 102(6), 1271–1288. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0025558