Most of us were never taught how to argue well.
We picked up our conflict style from watching the adults around us. Some of us learned to yell. Some learned to go silent. Some learned that winning mattered more than understanding. Then we bring those habits into our closest relationship and wonder why the same fights keep coming back.
Here’s something that surprises a lot of couples: every couple argues, and conflict itself isn’t a sign something is wrong. Dr. John Gottman’s research found that many of the issues couples argue about never fully go away, because they come from lasting differences in personality and needs.
What matters is how you argue.
Start gently
The first few minutes of a conversation often predict how it will end. Gottman calls this the gentle start-up.
Instead of: “You never help around here.” Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed with the house this week. Could you take over the dishes tonight?”
A complaint about the problem invites a solution. An attack on your partner’s character invites defense.
Stick to one issue
It’s tempting to bring up every frustration at once, the dishes and the in-laws and the thing from last month. But stacking complaints overwhelms your partner and makes it impossible to solve anything. Choose one topic.
Drop “always” and “never”
“You always…” and “You never…” turn a specific complaint into an attack on who your partner is. They also invite your partner to argue about the exceptions instead of the issue.
No contempt, ever
Gottman found that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. That includes sarcasm, mocking, insults, and eye-rolling. Even in the heat of the moment, these are off-limits, because they communicate disgust rather than disagreement.
Take a break when you’re flooded
When emotions spike, the body goes into fight-or-flight. Gottman calls this flooding, and it makes it nearly impossible to listen. If either of you is flooded, take a break of at least 20 minutes, do something calming, and come back.
Always repair
Here’s the most hopeful part of the research: successful couples aren’t the ones who never fight. They’re the ones who repair well, with a joke, a touch, an apology, or simply “Can we start over?”
After the argument, check in: “Are we okay?” Talk about what happened, own your part, and reconnect.
Watch for these unfair habits
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Kitchen-sinking: bringing up every past grievance at once
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Mind-reading: assuming you know what your partner thinks or intends
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Scorekeeping: “I did this, so you owe me that”
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Threatening the relationship in the middle of a fight
If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. They’re common, and they’re changeable.
In the full article, I share all 10 rules for fighting fair, the most common unfair habits to watch for, and a simple five-step process for repairing after a fight.
Read the complete article on my website → https://marinaedelman.com/blogs/how-to-fight-fair-in-a-relationship/