“We’re just friends.”
“It’s only texting.”
“Nothing has happened yet.”
“My relationship is basically over anyway.”
“I deserve to feel wanted.”
These statements don’t always sound like lies.
That’s exactly why they can work.
We tend to think an affair begins at the obvious line: the kiss, sex, the hotel room, the secret relationship.
But sometimes something important has already been happening long before that.
Someone has been giving themselves smaller permissions.
Maybe they start hiding conversations.
Maybe they share things with someone else that they’ve stopped sharing with their partner.
Maybe resentment becomes:
“I deserve this.”
Maybe “nothing happened” becomes technically true while an emotional relationship is quietly becoming more important.
None of this excuses infidelity.
Understanding how someone justified crossing a boundary isn’t the same as letting them off the hook for crossing it.
But if someone wants to understand why they cheated, I think there’s a more useful question than simply:
Why did you do it?
Ask:
What did you have to start believing before doing it felt okay?
Because real accountability isn’t only admitting what happened.
It’s becoming honest about the story that made continuing possible.
And if a couple wants to rebuild trust, that matters.
“I’ll never do it again” may be sincere.
But preventing another affair may require learning to recognize what happens before one.
The secret message.
The resentment being used as justification.
The friendship you’re carefully editing when you talk about your day.
The first deleted conversation.
The moment you tell yourself:
“This isn’t really a big deal.”
Those are the moments when there’s still plenty of room to choose differently.
Read the complete article on my website →
https://marinaedelman.com/blogs/why-people-who-gets-in-an-affair-lie-to-themselves/