When there’s addiction in a family, most loved ones eventually arrive at the same painful place:
Nothing seems to be working.
They’ve tried being supportive. They’ve tried being patient. They’ve tried pleading, helping, rescuing, fixing, and worrying themselves sick. And yet the addiction continues.
The reason that nothing seems to be working is often something families don’t realize they’re doing: Enabling.
The truth is that you can love someone deeply and still accidentally assist the addiction to continue. Learning the difference between helping and enabling is one of the most important steps families can take toward real change.
Helping vs. Enabling
Enabling happens when you repeatedly do for someone else what they are capable of doing for themselves and, in fact, what they should be doing for themselves.
Most people think enabling means giving money, but it can show up in a variety of other forms as well. Some of these can include letting someone live in the family home without expectations, making excuses for them, solving their problems for them, or rescuing them from having to feel the consequences of their choices. Families do this because they care about the addict – and because they’re trying to keep things from getting worse.
Unfortunately, enabling often has the opposite effect.
If someone is protected from the consequences of their addiction, there’s very little reason for them to change. As I often say:
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
Addicted people rarely ask their families to set healthy boundaries for them. In fact, addiction tends to push against boundaries whenever it can. This is not because the person with the boundaries is trying to cause hurt or be punitive, but because addiction is deeply self-focused and driven predominantly by fear.
It is imperative for families to understand that they can’t control what the addict does – no one can do that except the addict. But they absolutely can change how they respond. And that’s where real change begins.
Love With Boundaries
The reason I call my company Love With Boundaries is simple: loving someone does not mean accepting everything they do. Healthy love includes limits. To stop enabling, family members need to become clear about what they will tolerate – and what they won’t.
For many families, this is scary. People struggling with addiction can become very skilled at anger, guilt, and manipulation. Loved ones often tiptoe around situations like these, trying to keep the peace.
But walking on eggshells doesn’t help anyone. In reality, it hurts both the family members and the person struggling with addiction. Without boundaries, families eventually become exhausted, resentful, and emotionally drained, and as this circumstance continues, the addicted person loses the opportunity for a true, lasting recovery.
Boundaries are not about punishment. They are about self-respect.
Setting boundaries isn’t giving up on the person you love. It’s refusing to participate in the addiction while still caring about the person. And boundaries work best when they are communicated assertively – not aggressively or passively, and definitely not apologetically.
The truth is that addicts have the right to make their own choices – to continue to use or to stop using, to stay in active addiction or find a much better life in recovery. But remember that you – the family members – also have the right to choose what behaviours you will allow in your life and which ones you no longer want.
Anchoring Hope
The theme of Canada’s 2025 Addictions Awareness Week was “Anchoring Hope.”
Because hope matters. A lot. I often tell families that if the person you love is still here, there is still hope that things can change. But recovery happens only when the person with the addiction decides they want it. No family member, therapist, or program can make that decision for them.
Loved ones cannot control that choice for the addict, no matter how much they love them. What they can control is how they choose to respond to the addiction – and what they are willing to accept.
Boundaries Around Holidays and Gatherings
Special occasions can be particularly difficult for families dealing with addiction.
If you want to invite your addicted loved one to attend a holiday gathering, for example, it’s important to be clear ahead of time and set a healthy, respectful boundary. You might say something like: “We love you and would like you to be at our dinner. If you do decide to come, you’ll need to be clean and sober from the time you arrive until the time you leave. If that feels like it might be too much for you, then we understand, and we can meet for coffee on another day.”
Healthy boundaries are a flowing phenomenon. If the addict that you love decides to come to your gathering and arrives under the influence or begins to use or drink during the event, it’s important to follow through. This may mean taking away their car keys and calling them a cab.
And you can explain to them that this isn’t a punishment – instead, it’s refusing to allow addiction to disrupt everyone else’s well-being at the gathering. Somewhere – perhaps deep inside – they will understand that.
Money is another common boundary issue. Many people struggling with addiction no longer have financial stability because their resources are going toward their substance of choice. It’s okay to say, “I’m not going to be giving you money anymore, and that’s because I love you.”
But you can also say something else to the addict in your life that’s equally important:
“If you ever decide you want recovery, I will support you in whatever ways I’m able to.”
What Needs to Change
It’s important to remember that addiction affects the entire family system. In fact, many families come to counselling hoping that someone – usually the therapist – will be able to “fix” the addict. But that’s rarely where actual change begins.
Real change often starts when family members begin making changes within themselves – setting boundaries, stopping enabling behaviours, and taking better care of their own lives. That can feel uncomfortable at first, as new ways of being generally are. But it’s usually far less painful than continuing to live in the chaos and fear that addiction can bring.
When families stop enabling and start respecting their own boundaries, something powerful happens. They begin to reclaim their lives and find a different way to live.
And often, that shift in the family dynamic becomes the very thing that helps the addicted person finally choose recovery.
The Importance of Self-Care
It is so important for loved ones to learn how to take care of themselves.
In my book, Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction, the chapter on self-care is the largest one. Many families feel guilty about taking care of themselves when someone they love is struggling. But taking care of yourself is not selfish – it’s absolutely necessary.
Selfishness is the addict saying, “I want what I want, and I want it right now.” Self-care is recognizing that your well-being matters too. And when families stop enabling addiction and start caring for themselves, something remarkable often happens – for themselves and for the addict they love so dearly:
They begin to anchor themselves in hope as their dynamics change.
At Love With Boundaries, we offer a free 30-minute consultation call to take a look at what you’re dealing with in your family and how we can assist you. If you need some assistance with moving from devastation and despair to optimism and hope, we know how to help you.