Setting boundaries with a family member who struggles with addiction can be frightening, stressful, and often does not end up with positive results because people set boundaries when they are upset, emotional and have “had enough”. As an Addiction Therapist who, over the past 30+ years, has worked with people affected by addiction (whether it’s alcohol, food, drugs, porn, or gambling), I often see how painful it is for family members, loved ones and close friends to set limits – to express their needs, especially when their loved one is in active addiction.
Does some of this sound familiar?
Many people experience fear that their loved one may end their relationship, or that their addiction might intensify if boundaries are set. They worry about anger or conflict making things worse. But setting boundaries does not mean you are giving up on your loved one. Instead, it means you are taking care of your own mental health and well-being. This is an act of self-care that asks you to be assertive and to respect yourself, while still treating your loved one with respect. It’s like that age-old phrase many of us have heard before: You can’t pour from an empty cup. If you are exhausted and emotionally spent, it’s very hard to help someone else in the best and right way. How can you give when the well is dry?
Good boundaries are about knowing what you will and will not accept, and expressing that in a clear, confident and emotionally regulated way. Without boundaries, people struggling with addiction may continue blaming others and making excuses, leaving partners, parents, siblings, grandparents and other loved ones feeling stuck and hopeless.
Remember, the addict you love has the right to make their own choices, even when you don’t agree with their decision. But you also have the right to step back and not take part in the chaos of that choice or support their active addiction. Instead, you can choose to support them in recovery. You are not responsible for their decisions or for what happens next. I know that can be hard to hear. When you anchor hope in them and release the “control” of trying to fix, save, rescue or change them, this may eventually empower them to make healthy changes and choices for themself.
By communicating limits and expectations calmly, clearly and assertively, you break the cycle of manipulation. People struggling with addiction often manipulate situations because they are afraid and self-absorbed with the addiction. They are not necessarily trying to hurt you. By standing firmly in your boundary – your expectations – you protect your own well-being and influence a shift in the family dynamic.
I always say that recovery is a family issue, and it is unfair to expect the addict to change if the loved ones are unwilling to make the necessary adjustments and changes in their own lives first. And it generally doesn’t work that way anyway.
So how can you set clear boundaries that are wrapped in compassion?
Let’s look at the Assertiveness Formula. This practice is one that I use with my clients, because setting boundaries does not have to be complicated. There are four simple components to the Assertiveness Formula. A helpful practice is to write down what you would like to say first. Revise your statement into the formula below. Once you have done this, you can practice saying it out loud several times before setting your boundary with the addict. Here’s what it looks like in action:
“I feel… (use an EMOTION word like sad or angry), when you… (name the BEHAVIOUR), because… (give the REASON), and what I need to see is (what you feel will be the best possible OUTCOME).”
For example, you might say this to your family member who doesn’t listen to you, or if you feel they are dismissive when you share an opinion about something:
“I feel hurt and resentful when you don’t listen to me when I share my thoughts and feelings, because my opinions matter too. And what I need is to be heard and respected for what I think and feel, even if you disagree. I need us to discuss this together and negotiate some next steps and solutions that will work for both of us.”
Notice how this statement is free of blame, shame and judgment, which often comes from a place of emotion, not a place of being emotionally regulated. Blame and judgment statements sound like:
- “You never listen to me.”
- “You always cut me off when I am trying to talk to you.”
- “If you would just listen to me without cutting me off, you might understand what I am saying.”
These statements are likely met with a response like:
- “I listen to you, I’m listening now. You just keep going on and on about it.”
There are many other variations of a defensive verbal “push back,” which usually pave the way for an argument or a shutdown, generally with no resolution in sight.
As you move into emotional conversations in your family and start the process of setting boundaries, try the Assertiveness Formula. It might feel awkward and clunky; however, keep practicing, as this is where your confidence will begin to build.
There’s a great saying: “We teach people how to treat us.” Remember that we do this through what we accept and tolerate, how we choose to respond, and the limits and boundaries we set.