In my life I’ve known four pedophiles; I could not have asked for better teachers to show me how to genuinely develop, deepen and then display empathy (especially to those who are different from me). Not that the process happened quite this neatly or linearly…but it went something like this:
To develop empathy, I first needed to let go of the judgmental attitude I had towards these individuals. Did that mean I liked what they did – of course not!! If there is any abuse victim reading this, please know words cannot adequately communicate how deeply grieved I am for what happened to you. However, with these people, conveying an attitude of harsh criticism, condemnation and/or superiority would not have been helpful or therapeutic. I don’t want to sound overly religious here (or get into a big debate), but I’m closer to a place today where I realize it’s simply not my place to judge others – especially when I don’t know the whole story – which brings me to my next point.
To deepen my empathy, I adopted a sincere attitude of curiosity. Rather than ask ‘why’ questions I became more interested to hear what brought these individuals to a place where they made such horrible and desperate choices – and what I learned absolutely astounded me. I’m not saying anyone’s past is an excuse – but it is part of the explanation for why we are who we are and act the way we do.
During this whole process, it goes without saying, I needed to listen. Just listen. Really listen (without interrupting, offering solutions or correcting) to the narrative these individuals were trying to express. Unexpectedly, the more I listened the more my heart truly broke for them – I swear to you this is true. Rather than thinking of them as depraved, disgusting, despicable (etc.) I started to see myself in them – empathy. Maybe not the same brokenness – but broke nonetheless – and in need of great grace. And with this stance I hope I was able to demonstrate some modicum of kindness and mercy to these fellow humans.
Of course – you knew this was coming – this is what Jesus does for us. He sees way down deep into the places we wish we could keep covered up. We’ve all got them and we’re all ashamed of them. But when we’re brave enough to show them to Jesus, He’ll show us more empathy and more love than we could ever deserve – and He does this for everyone, no matter what.
A couple reflection questions:
• Who is easy & and who is difficult for me to have true empathy for?
• Do I have more or less empathy for myself (as a rule) as I do for others?
A couple resources if you’re wanting to grow your capacity for empathy:
• Brené Brown: “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”
• Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey: “What Happened to You”
• Henri Nouwen: “Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life”