“I’ll see your passive-aggressiveness and raise you a sweet-genuine”. ~ Unknown
To talk about Passive-Aggressiveness we need to start with a simple definition of the 3 primary ways people behave and/or communicate. I’ve always thought of these as a clock (I hope this metaphor makes sense to you):
• Passive behavior/communication (which shares many similarities with Co-Dependency, BTW) is at 12:00am.
• Assertive behavior/communication is at 6:00
• Aggressive behavior/communication is at 12:00pm.
For me, this is the reason why someone can seem both passive & aggressive at the same time (even though the two seem to be opposites).
Most definitions of Passive-Aggressiveness agree, it is an individual’s way of expressing negative emotions indirectly. Rather than saying what is on his/her mind, individuals who employ Passive-Aggressive tactics often display a passive resistance through procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness and/or inefficiency. For a more comprehensive list of Passive-Aggressive behaviors try one of these links:
It’s important to pause here & say there are times when all of us are Passive-Aggressive; the issues arise when a pattern of destructive (and self-defeating) behaviors arise. People who have a pervasive style of Passive-Aggressiveness are believed to have very low self-esteem, likely stemming from past verbal/emotional abuse and/or failures. Due to this history, these individuals often don’t know how to communicate their needs/wants & do not feel the world will listen anyway – so they do so in a backhanded way.
People who employ Passive-Aggressive tactics are often unaware of their behaviors (or the negative effect they have on others). As a result, these individuals are often lacking in social support & may suffer from a variety of mental health issues (e.g., anxiety, depression, addictive behaviors etc.). If you feel that you may struggle with Passive-Aggressiveness, I encourage you to seek out help – there are proven ways that can help resolve past issues. You can also learn skills to manage conflict & stand up for yourself in an honest & direct way.
So, Passive-Aggressiveness is a “lose” for the individual engaging in the behaviors, it is also a “lose” for those on the receiving end. From my experience, Passive-Aggressiveness is one of the most difficult issues to deal with – it comes up a lot in counseling! Whether it’s in a personal or professional situation, dealing with Passive-Aggressiveness is often confusing, taxing, and hurtful. Passive-Aggressiveness often causes frustration & resentment, left undealt with, this pattern of behavior/communication may cause the breakdown of a relationship because honest dialogue does not occur & conflicts are left unresolved.
What makes Passive-Aggressiveness particularly difficult to deal with (it seems to me) is the following dichotomy. When you try to take a passive (subtle, submissive etc.) approach with the individual, he/she becomes defensive and/or aggressive. If you do the opposite and approach the individual in an aggressive (forceful, critical etc.,) manner, she/he becomes offended and/or emotional.
So, what do you do? There’s only one answer –you must be assertive. If you are a client, you know this is one of my soapboxes. I don’t believe assertiveness is role-modeled in our culture. As a result, most of us are not naturally assertive and under duress we become passive or aggressive with our behaviors/communication. However, skills can be learned & with practice we all can become more assertive (& healthy). It’s a cornerstone of emotional intelligence & a vital aspect of intimate & meaningful relationships.
There’s not space in this post to discuss assertiveness at length – if you ever want to chat more let me know. However, I do want to leave you with three keys to try the next time you find yourself dealing with Passive-Aggressiveness: Assertiveness, Boundaries & Compassion (what I call the ABC’s of Caring):
• Assertiveness: Stand up for yourself. Express yourself clearly, calmly & honestly. Then (and this is the hard part), be willing listen without judgement.
• Boundaries: Do not allow unhealthy patterns to continue. Schedule a time to have the difficult conversation. Communicate as clearly as possible, using I statements & examples to specify concretely what you need to change. Then (and this is the hard part), let go of the outcome.
• Compassion: As mentioned above, if you approach Passive-Aggressiveness in either an overly passive or aggressive way it won’t work. Spend the time to get in touch with what you are thinking & feeling, then do your best to work these issues out ahead of time. There is no doubt that Passive-Aggressiveness is a tough trait to deal with. However, with a framework in place hopefully you will have the space to hold respect and compassion for both you & the other person.
PS – If you are looking for an example of a person who continuously dealt with Passive-Aggressiveness in an assertive, boundaried and compassionate way I so encourage you to read the gospel (Matthew, Mark, Luke & John) account of Jesus’ life – it’s very good.