When a loved one, family member or friend struggles with addiction, the instinct might be to swoop in and try to rescue them. However, there is a fine line between helping and enabling, and crossing it can be devastating for everyone involved.
Let’s look a little more closely at the difference between enabling and helping.
Enabling occurs when you consistently do something for someone else that they should be – and are capable of – doing for themselves. While it often stems from your love for this person, this codependent stance actually becomes part of the problem rather than being part of the solution.
I always say that recovery is a family issue, and it is unfair to expect the addict to change if the loved ones are unwilling to make the necessary adjustments and changes in their own lives first.
One of the hardest truths for families to accept is that if you are enabling, you have something you need to change first before you will see any changes in your addict. Many families fall into the trap of “pussyfooting” around the individual, feeling like they are walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace and avoid the addict’s anger. This behaviour isn’t helpful; it eventually leads to the family member losing their self-respect and resenting the addict.
Take a moment to reflect on some of the challenges, upsetting times, and spoiled family events that may have happened. Can you identify where there may have been some enabling going on?
For example, maybe you paid your addict’s rent and gave them money for public transit, only for them to return two weeks later asking for rent money again because they had spent the money on their addiction. Perhaps you loaned them your car so they could buy groceries and get themself to their recovery meeting, only to discover your car was dented and out of gas when it was finally returned a week late after your repeated requests.
Maybe you’ve allowed your addict to live in the family home while they looked for a job, only to find that most of the time they’ve been out with their friends all night and sleeping in until noon. And then there was the time when you helped get them a job working for a friend of yours, only to find they had been fired for not showing up.
An enabled addict has no incentive to change because they have someone else mitigating the consequences of their actions. To break this cycle, it’s important to realize that while you cannot control their behaviour, you have control over how you respond to what they have been doing. By choosing to stop giving in to manipulation and to take responsibility for your own reactions, you create a better scenario that gives both you and the addict you love a chance at a different life.
As the saying goes, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”
Keep following my blog here for more tips on loving someone with an addiction, setting boundaries and repairing family relationships after experiencing the chaos and trauma that a practicing addict can bring into your life.
At Love With Boundaries, we offer a free 30-minute consultation call to take a look at what you’re dealing with in your family and how we can assist you. If you need some assistance with moving from devastation and despair to optimism and hope, we know how to help you.