There’s much to be said about (1) knowing (2) setting (3) communicating and (4) maintaining boundaries. If you want to learn more check out one (or more) of these resources: Cloud & Townsend’s seminal work: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (it was first published in 1992, spawned 7 follow ups and has sold millions). Lysa Terkeurst is a Christian author who writes on the topic: Your Best Yes, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes and then there is the “Queen” of boundaries – Nedra Glover Tawwab – who (in addition to books, workbooks & flashcards) has an extremely popular Instagram page and podcast: You Need to Hear This.
For this short blurb I just wanted to throw out a couple ideas about what I believe a boundary is. For me, a boundary represents the limit of where I begin and where I end; it’s having a clear understanding of what is (and what is not) my responsibility. Taking this a step further, I believe I’m ultimately responsible for myself and when I focus on my bettering my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors I have a sense of power along with a voice.
I also feel a boundary is – by nature – a separation, a delineation, a space that exists between me and others. Ironically, it’s this space that allows me to show the greatest amount of empathy, respect, and compassion for others. I can’t take care of anyone unless I take care of myself. Said another way, I take care of people best when I also take care of myself.
I think we understand this at an intellectual level, but it’s so hard to put into practice. Frankly, having boundaries goes against what we’ve been taught and brings up tons of insecurities… so it’s often easier to just say yes (especially in the short run) to others (I’ll deal with the resentment and burnout later). Regardless, knowing, setting, communicating, and maintaining boundaries is some of the most fundamental psychological (and important spiritual) work you’ll do in this life, as one person quips – “What you put up with is what you end up with (anon).”
Something to ponder: What would you gain in your life – and what would you lose – if you were honest with yourself and others about your boundaries?
As always, I’m curious what you think…