Tomorrow is St. Valentine’s Day and teenagers who are in a relationship will be making plans to celebrate. For many teenagers they will be celebrating all week. They most likely will save their biggest plans for the weekend because they don’t have to worry about school and it’s a 3 day weekend so they have an extra day. For many teens they will be thinking that tomorrow or this weekend will be the perfect time for them to have sex. Unfortunately, for many teenagers this will not be their first sexual experience. However, for others it will be their first experience and it will bring up a number of questions.
The first question will be, am I old enough to be having sex? Since I see a lot of teenage boys for psychotherapy, it’s not surprising I hear this question on a regular basis. Our society does not discuss the subject of sex and sexuality and boys have been given the message for a long time that being sexually active makes them a man. When I hear this question, I tell the teen that I cannot answer that question for him. Only he knows and he should be the only making the decision. It doesn’t matter what his friends say or what he sees on television. I explain this is one of the biggest decisions he will make in his lifetime and therefore he needs to be comfortable with whatever decision he makes. I do offer to help him think about it, so he can make his own decision.
First thing I do is I point out that sex is not just fun and games. Being sexually active requires him to be responsible for his behavior. After the confused look disappears from his face, I ask him are you ready to be a father? Most teenagers look shocked at this question, but I explain there is no birth control method that is 100% effective. Condoms, the birth control pill all have a slight percentage of not working and you never know when that will occur. Therefore, every time you have intercourse, you can get the girl pregnant. If they want a 100% guarantee then don’t have sex. If you need a 100% guarantee that she won’t get pregnant, then you have your answer.
In regards to responsibility, I ask the teen is he prepared to go to a drug store and buy a pack of condoms? I explain even if she is taking the pill, he can still catch an STD, so he needs to protect his health which means buying condoms. At this point many teens offer to pay me to buy a package or they mention a friend that can buy some. At this point I very firmly say no I will not buy condoms for them. Putting aside ethical and legal reasons, I explain if you cannot walk into a drug store and buy a package of condoms, you are not mature enough to be having sex. I explain they can’t have it both ways. They can’t be having sex acting like an adult, but be to embarrassed to buy condoms because of what other adults may think of them. Also at this point many teens ask about age restrictions for buying condoms and about sizes. Again I point out if they don’t know the basics about condoms including how to use one, they are not ready to be sexually active.
Many teens and parents will tell me that they buy their sons condoms and leave the box in the bathroom so their son can take one if he needs one without embarrassment. I highly recommend against parents buying condoms for their teenagers. Sex is not a game. It can result in a pregnancy or someone can catch an STD. Given the current political climate in the Country and abortions and aids such as plan B (morning after pill) getting pregnant in today’s world can have very different consequences than it did 10 years ago. Also if they don’t have to buy their condoms on their own how do they learn about responsibility? You wouldn’t leave the keys to your liquor cabinet or car in the bathroom so they could drink or go driving whenever they wanted. You would want to make sure they understood the issues related to drinking or driving. It should be the same thing regarding sexual activity.
Returning to responsibility, I also ask the teenager are they prepared to tell their primary caregiver that they are sexually active. Their primary caregiver may want to add screening tests to their blood tests if they are sexually active. If they notice something in the genitalia they may examine it further, if they know that the teen is sexually active. People can catch STDs with sexual activity and if you are sexually active, the responsible thing to do is to be screened for STDs on a regular basis. Especially if you are having sex with more than one person.
The most important part about responsibility is your sexual partner. You may want to have sex, but she must say yes too. Additionally, if at any time she says no, you need to stop right at that moment. If you don’t stop, you are guilty of rape. Many teen boys will tell me that this is unfair. If she said yes, it’s not fair to say stop in the middle. Right or wrong that is the law. If you are mature enough to be sexually active than you can accept the laws. If you cannot accept the laws, then you probably are not mature enough to be sexually active.
Besides the responsibility issues, I ask the boys are they ready to handle the emotions associated with sex. Boys are taught that sex is just physical but it is not. It is a very intimate act and it’s the closest way for you to express your physical and emotional feelings for another person. You also only have one first sexual experience that you will remember for ever. Is this person the one you really want to share this experience with? Furthermore, having sex does not make you an adult or a man. You become an adult, man by being responsible for your self, your actions, treating others with kindness and respect and by following laws and rules adults need to follow. Driving a car didn’t make you a man and neither will having sex make you a man.
This is just part of what I ask them to think about. There is a great deal more in regards to the emotional aspects of sex that we fall to educate boys about regarding sex. Again after having the discussion, I point out the only person who can really decide if they are ready or not is them. Yes it’s a difficult choice and even more difficult because they have to do what they truly feel is right, but it is part of their question are they ready? Only they know if and when they are ready.
Some things to wrap this article up. I do point out to boys that no one has ever died because they waited to have sex, but people have died from STDs they were not emotionally prepared to deal with. Additionally, I point out how laws have changed regarding abortion and the morning after pills. Many boys rely on those as back up plans in case something happens. However, in addition to laws changing, I point out at that point the girl is in charge. If she doesn’t want to do anything, there is nothing he can do. If she does want to end the pregnancy and he doesn’t again there is nothing he can do. He needs to accept that the girl is the only one who can decide what will happen to her body. Finally, if a boy was 13 and asking this question my response would be yes they are too young and then have this conversation. If they are 16 or 17, then it is their choice. The best thing to do is to calmly have this conversation without being judgmental and hope and pray that they make the best decision for themselves. If you are judgmental while discussing this topic, you will end up with a teenager going against your beliefs and not listening to anything you have to say. Therefore, try not to be judgmental.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children, teenagers, trauma survivors including first responders. For more information about his work please visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at facebook.com/drrubino3 and on Threads @Drrubino3