Childhood anxiety is on the rise… Does this sound like your child or adolescent?
- They experience excessive anxiety on a daily basis resulting in difficulties to function and cope independently of you, their parent.
- They feel awkward and anxious in new social situations where they don’t know the people well
- They refuse to try new things participate in any new activities or meet new friends
- They worry constantly about upcoming events and try their best to avoid leaving home
Meanwhile, as their parent, you:
- Need to frequently make changes to your daily schedule in response to your kid’s anxiety
- Feel quite concerned yet unclear on how to find effective support for them
- Feel exasperated about constantly explaining and reassuring your kid without seeing any progress: (their constant nervous worry persists and seems to increase in intensity)
- Find yourself quietly freaking out that your kid is often avoiding life outside of screens
- Find yourself thinking “If things are this bad now, what’s it going to be like when they’re an adult?”
- Often feel stuck on how to turn things around, maybe even doubting your own parenting
- Feel frustrated, anxious, worried or unsatisfied with parenting your anxious kid
Well then you’re in the right place…take a deep breath in and exhale completely. It’s time to press pause and gently reflect to yourself.
What would say to a friend who was experiencing such challenges?
How about giving yourself the kindness that you would give a friend?
What I know for sure is that even with the best of intentions, most parents use ineffective parenting strategies… despite having read a truckload of parenting books. (I know that was me… )
That’s because we naturally revert back to how we were raised by our parents or caregivers as our default mode.
This default mode is where our key blind spots lie for parents of kids with chronic anxiety.
Here are some of my observations about common parent blindspots related to kid’s anxiety:
Parent Blindspot #1 : Raising a child who struggles daily with anxiety can easily impact your vision of a hopeful future.
Many exasperated parents, without realizing it, begin to believe that nothing will ever get better with their anxious kid and end up feeling resigned.
It is important to know and remember that there are many children and adolescents who aren’t motivated to get any kind of help, therapy or support to change their situation. Their brain isn’t fully developed and so they live mostly in the primitive part of their brain which is wired for safety & sameness. It is the default in the nervous system. So going outside the comfort zone is treated like danger.
Even if a child or adolescent accesses the gold standard for anxiety treatment: individual cognitive behavioural therapy, many aren’t ready to fully participate because the homework requires facing their fears and that’s scary.
Their parents are also requested to play a key role to get their kid to practice an exposure as part of the homework. So what happens often is that the parent ends up in a battle of wills to try and get their kid to do an exposure – the very thing that is anxiety producing.
So their anxious behaviour can continue for several years, untreated…and kids unnecessarily struggle.
And thousands of parents become resigned and frankly feel quite hopeless and helpless to change anything.
Parent Blindspot # 2 Accommodating the Anxiety
When your kid behaves anxiously, you, their parent, naturally want to help reduce the cause of their anxiety by either protecting and/or comforting your kids from distress. This behaviour is known as accommodating the anxiety and actually allows the anxiety to flourish more than ever.
Accommodations are all the things parents do in response to their kid’s anxiety. Things such as responding to the server in the restaurant, allowing your anxious kid to stay home from school, allowing your frightened kid to sleep with you are all examples of accommodations.
In other words, how you respond to your kid’s anxiety matters.
Parent Blindspot #3 Most parents of a kid with chronic anxiety, don’t know how to recognize anxious behaviours in their child or adolescent.
Behaviours like refusing to participate in social activities or staying home from school because of fear of presenting in front of the class reinforce avoidance rather than getting your kid to face their fears. Many parents consider that these behaviours are because their kid is timid. However, it is actually anxiety that is running the show.
Parent Blindspot #4 : “This is just a phase and my kid will outgrow it”.
This is a common response from many parents when actually, nothing could be further from the truth. When left untreated, your child or adolescent’s anxious behaviour can continue for several years with kids unnecessarily struggling into adulthood. Many anxious young adults are at a higher risk of staying socially isolated often with substance abuse issues since they didn’t learn essential coping skills.
Parent Blindspot #5 : “My kid can’t cope with some anxiety and survive”.
Parents, without realizing it, can often say things that actually reinforce the negative patterns in their kids.
The unspoken message that your child or teen gets is, ‘You can’t do this, so I’m going to help you”. What your child or adolescent concludes about themselves and what they’re capable of is vital.
So what’s a parent to do?
As one parent told me once: “How can I set up my kid up for lifetime success if they’re unwilling to get help for THEIR anxiety?
Well, if you’re serious about transforming your family dynamic regarding your anxious kid, I’d like to present to you the SPACE program which stands for: Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions.
The focus of the SPACE treatment program is entirely on modifying ONLY the parents’ behaviour.
So the power struggle essentially stops. You, the parent, are NOT trying to get your kid to do something. Therefore there is no need to push back as you’re not asking anything of them.
The kids may not like it. However that’s why you, their parent, participate in the 12-week program. You’ll access tools, strategies, and get one on one coaching & accountability.
When I discovered SPACE, I immediately thought, “WOW: Finally, parents get to focus on the only person they can truly control: themselves.” Even if their child is unmotivated, parents can help.
That’s when I knew I was on to something that I could stand behind: a solid scientifically proved treatment that results with kids feeling less anxious and improving their ability to function well on a daily basis.
Clients who benefit most from working with me are parents whose children and adolescents experience chronic anxiety on a daily basis.
I know you want what’s best for your kid.
If any of this sounds true for you, I invite you to take the first step in learning how to best support your kids and book a 15 minute call with me.
Your child’s future self will thank you for it.
Are you ready to do this? Let’s talk!
Anne Barnes, RSW in Ontario and in Quebec (services disponibles en français)