At the start, we all sign a marriage contract that few even scan or take the time to read. Would you enter a business deal or any other important relationship that way? No worries, as we all have many opportunities to discuss and add to this important document that can be the floor in ways to get along or things that will be tolerated.
Here are some important areas to contemplate:
What is the basic kind and quality of relating that you expect? Sometimes people inadvertantly copy family habits & behaviors, and find themselves acting in a certain way when they are stressed that is not typical. A “no hurting clause” may be helpful to remind people that no physical or emotional hurting will be allowed. I would hope no person would want or tolerate poor treatment or blaming. In addition to your spouses actions, take a few minutes to consider how you act when threatened or challenged. The only person that you can really change is yourself, but if you were the one to select rational & respectful talking and listening would that start to change many things ? Want more suggestions in this area ? I recommend, Seven Habits for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, Ph.D.
Second, may be a little statement that unhealthy coping mechanisms will not be accepted be helpful? It can be difficult but also important to call out excessive drinking, heavy spending, infidelity and any other addictive behaviors that clearly damage relationships. Now these are judgement calls, and the help of a trained third-party listener like a physician, psychologist or marriage and family therapist can be extremely helpful. Are you interested in ways to “affair-proof” your marriage? You will find this helpful advice in Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D.
Sadly, we cannot talk or listen when one partner is altered. Saving important topics for times when both people are present and in a healthy frame of mind to communicate, can be a way to short circuit many unhelpful interactions. When these difficult topics eventually come up, try to stay on topic just long enough so that an action or decision can be made.
Neither partner will allow belittling or name-calling during a heated discussion. If things are deteriorating quickly, rather than going for someones most delicate parts, I suggest taking a time-out and leaving the conversation or room long enough so that emotions can cool and two adults can reenter the fray. Deep patterns may be entrenched from years together (or with previous spouses), so this can take time and real patience to master.
And lastly, if a discussion turns into more of a one-sided lecture, both people can write down their thoughts and opinions and exchange letters as a way to make a monologue into more of a dialogue.
I have tried not to stray too far into focus on problems, as many solutions exist and if you are in the early years, these can be great areas of prevention and pro-active togetherness. Once again I will use the well-worn phrase, conflict and intimacy are simply two sides of the same coin in marriage. It is almost impossible to have one without the other. And in order for your relationship to change and grow, many things can be discussed and worked on. Happy relating – Dr. Jeanine