Hi! I’m Christine. I am a licensed clinical psychologist who dreams of writing full-time. Welcome to my little corner of the world! Let’s explore the fullness of alive, the myth of self-care, and more… I write to you from Phoenix AZ where I live with my husband and our calico cat.
I wasn’t sure if I would have anything to share today. My words vanished and my ideas no longer seemed interesting or pressing. They felt irrelevant, unimportant. Some might call it “writer’s block,” but for me, I knew something else was wrong.
For days, I wondered what was wrong with me. I thought – “Maybe writing isn’t for me. Maybe I tried it, but it didn’t work. Maybe I was delusional to set out on this path. Maybe I should just go back to my day job.”
Not only was I disconnected from myself, but from the rest of the world. Beauty and everyday magic seemed muted. The longer this feeling lasted, the more I panicked. I wondered what was wrong with me. It felt like a puzzle I couldn’t seem to find the pieces to.
I have always relied on my ability to figure things out. It is how I kept myself safe. How I predicted problems and created solutions in advance. Yet this time I found myself in a situation where I could not solve the puzzle. I felt trapped in my internal experience with no lifeline.
All the explanations I could come up with (distressing current events, the change of seasons, personal stressors), did not seem to accurately describe why I had no words. After what felt like weeks of struggle, I had an epiphany, and solved the puzzle! I could finally name what was happening to me, inside of me. I had words to describe the craziness of my felt experience.
I have not run out of words. I am not depressed or off-course. I have not lost my passions. What I am is sleep deprived and weary. Without adequate sleep for the past 3 months, I have been hanging on day by day. The insomnia has made me emotionally ill. It has taken the joy from my life and has turned my colorful world into gray.
In naming what was wrong, a rush of release came. The energy shifted inside of me. Relief washed over me, even though nothing much had changed. I was reminded of the power of naming our experiences. The power of accurately identifying our internal world.
When we name the dynamics, the internal experience, the problems, there is significance. Our felt experience is an enigma no longer. There is power in naming the unseen.
Naming my feelings and experiences sets a part of me free. No longer subject to an unseen, uncontrollable force, the mystery is solved.
I don’t like being plagued by internal mysteries. Understanding myself is important. More than that, I also do not want to feel out of control. When something feels off inside me, I want to understand it, even if there is nothing to be done but to sit with it.