Have you ever felt upset with someone, then immediately started making excuses for them?
They didn’t mean it.
They’ve been stressed.
Maybe I’m being too sensitive.
Before you’ve even understood what hurt you, you’re already questioning whether you have the right to feel angry.
And if you speak up? You might spend the evening replaying your words, worrying about your tone, or wanting to apologise just to make things feel okay again.
Meanwhile, what upset you hasn’t really been addressed.
For some of us, anger wasn’t something we felt comfortable expressing growing up. Disagreeing might have been called disrespectful. Being upset might have meant being difficult or ungrateful.
So we learned to stay quiet, be understanding, and move on—even when something still hurt.
But you can love someone and feel angry with them. You can understand what they’re going through and still want their behaviour to change.
Of course, how we express anger matters. If we shout or say something hurtful, we need to take responsibility. We can apologise for how we spoke while still having an honest conversation about what happened.
The next time guilt follows anger, try asking yourself:
Did I do something hurtful that needs repairing, or am I uncomfortable because I let someone know I was unhappy?
Give yourself a moment with that question.
You don’t need to react immediately, and you don’t need to dismiss yourself either. Sometimes the first step is simply admitting:
“Actually, that upset me.”
In my full article, I explore what we learned about anger, why guilt can follow it, and practical ways to express ourselves with honesty and care.
Read the full article, “Why Do I Feel Guilty for Being Angry?” on Substack:
You’re also welcome to subscribe there for my weekly reflections on emotions, relationships and understanding yourself with more compassion.
With love,
Pearl
Feel Free, Live Fully
Trauma-informed life coach | English & Arabic