You ask:
“Why did you tell me you were at work when you weren’t?”
Your partner answers:
“Because every time I tell you anything, you interrogate me.”
And suddenly you’re no longer talking about the lie.
You’re defending yourself.
Do I interrogate them?
Have I been too suspicious?
Did I make this worse?
That’s what can make blame shifting so difficult to recognize. The accusation isn’t always completely random.
Maybe you do get reactive.
That’s worth talking about.
But there’s a version of the conversation where both people remain responsible for themselves:
“I lied, and that wasn’t okay. I was scared of how you’d react, but I should’ve told you the truth. I also want to talk about what happens between us when I tell you something you don’t want to hear.”
Both things get to be true.
Your reaction may need work.
Their lying may need accountability.
Neither one erases the other.
I sometimes use three words with clients:
Mine. Yours. Ours.
What part is mine?
What part is yours?
What belongs to the pattern we’ve created together?
Maybe you have something to own.
Own it.
But you don’t have to take responsibility for someone else’s choice simply because they don’t want to hold it themselves.
And when the conversation starts drifting away from what you originally asked, you don’t need the perfect comeback.
Try:
“I’m willing to talk about my part. I want to finish talking about what happened first.”
Then listen to what comes next.
Read the complete article on my website → https://marinaedelman.com/blogs/look-what-you-made-me-do-when-your-partner-blame-you-for-their-choices/