Who is John Gottman?
Dr. John M. Gottman is an expert in the field of relationship and marriage therapy. One of his most popular books is: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. One of a popular facts Gottman has pointed out, is that he can predict which couples would eventually divorce with 93.6% accuracy, according to his research on clinical outcomes he conducted in 1992.
Trust & Commitment: Walls of the House
A central framework that Dr. John Gottman uses, is the Sound Relationship House. The Sound Relationship has two walls, trust and commitment. For Gottman, trust and commitment is what keeps the relationship in tact, keeping the walls of the relationship steady. I know with my work with couples, commitment and trust may have been put into question, due to infidelity by one or both of the partners. Furthermore, past issues may make one or both of the couples particularly sensitive to issues of trust and commitment, possibly due to past trauma or underlying attachment needs being triggered. Although there are no perfect ways to fix and regain trust and commitment in a relationship, certainly with effort, time and presence, a couple can build trust and commitment.
Friendship: First Floor
The first floor of Gottman’s Sound House is friendship. For Gottman, ever relationship starts with a friendship. If a couple has been in gridlock, or there has been a period of particular conflict involving the Four Horse Man (more on that later), the there friendship may be impacted. According to Gottman, the friendship level can be strengthened by the following four main conceptual frameworks:
- The Positive Perspective
- Turn Towards Instead of Away
- Share Fondness and Admiration
- Build Love Maps.
Managing Conflict: Second Floor
The second floor of Gottman’s Sound Relationship House is the Managing Conflict level. The reality is that no two people see the world the same. There is bound to be differences of opinion, perspective and ways of relating, particularly as it relates to communication styles, personalities and emotions. An important piece to point out, is that all couple’s engage in some conflict, arguments or fights, but it is how that couple’s repairs those conflicts, engage in constructive dialogue, instead of detrimental or unhealthy communicational styles. Difficulty in this area can arise, particularly when there is entrenchment of a particular issue in the relationship. This could be financial, child rearing, job stress, intimacy, division of labour or a host of issues a couple does not see eye to eye with. Another word for this relationship dilemma, which Gottman uses, is Gridlock.
Gridlock
Gridlock is perpetual problems that have been mishandled by the couple. When a couple tries to discuss a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are not getting anywhere and ‘spinning their wheels’.
Solution to Gridlock According to John Gottman:
Define the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on. Define your areas of flexibility. Devise a temporary compromise that honours both of your dreams. Understand your Partner’s history and philosophy of emotions and engage in nonviolent communication styles.
The Four Horseman: Acid on the Relationship
According to Gottman, the four horseman are the following:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling.
A couple will engage in these communication styles, often due to them perceiving and experiencing, their emotional needs for love and belonging not being met in the relationship. Instead of ‘turning towards’ and pairing their conflict, a couple will, often in frustration, engage in the Four Horsemen, which is like acid on the relationship/ friendship, according to Gottman.
2nd & 3rd Order Consequences When Gridlock Is Not Dealth With
Engaging in these unhealthy and dysfunctional communication styles can have negative 2nd & 3rd order consequences, in that because each person in the dynamic may feel resentment and emotional hurt, they may develop other, less constructive communication style. As a general principle, I have found with my work with couples, is that when the primary gridlock issue is discussed, including the emotional reaction of each party, that greater insight can be gathered on how to resolve and address the conflict. This also takes insight and willingness to engage in healthier communication styles, willingness to compromise, as well as self-awareness of one’s emotional reactions.
Focus of Therapy:
A primary focus of couples therapy work, is helping the marriage or relationship explore how one relates to their emotions & partner’s emotions. Gottman has a method in which he helps the couple explore these core emotions, as they play a central role how the couple communicate and deal with their own mental and emotional health.
Dreaming & Having a Vision Together: Third Floor
The third floor of The Sound Relationship House, is helping to understand if the couple is moving on the same path. In other words, do they both feel they are following a shared vision. Do their ideas of marriage or commitment align and if they don’t where are these difference and where can compromise be made. Some couples are really strong in this areas. At other times, due to life transitions and busyness of life, this area of discussing a shared vision, can be lacking. I have found, similar to what Dave Ramsey states on his popular financial based radio station show, that a couple needs to dream together. According to Ramsey, he stated that when a couple disagrees, particularly if there is gridlock over a financial issue, that the partner, often this case being the man, must communicate the vision. Often the other partner can understand their partner, if their vision is communicated and understood. However sometimes, people will communicate their frustration of how things are not working, when at least with communicating one’s vision for the relationship, they have a better chance of conveying their ideas and having influence on their partner.
What Can You Expect From Couple’s Therapy?
Couples therapy helps clients explore themselves, their relationship and challenges, with a framework that help them feel that they are moving in the right direction together.
Other Skills and Knowledge You Can Expect:
- Manage conflict better
- Address underlying issues
- Build on strength and inner resources
- Learn better coping strategies and find more productive communication styles
Typical Gottman-based Framework Schedule
- 3 sessions understanding your history and dynamic as a couple
- 3-4 sessions exploring your philosophy and history of emotions
- 3+ sessions: working on compromise, the positive perspective, fondness and admiration and turn towards instead of away