Albert Ellis was a colorful, quick witted, and socially awkward psychologist who thought a lot about disappointment – as he had quite a bit in his life. He famously stated that people “unnecessarily upset themselves” because they make faulty assumptions and have unrealistic expectations of the world around them. His answer to disappointment was to lower one’s expectations – and I think there’s true merit in this suggestion. If you find yourself serially disappointed with the world, others or yourself please check to see if your expectations, assumptions and hopes are appropriate. Think of it this way – if you hope to get a 90% on a test and get an 85% you could be dejected – but if you were only hoping for an 80%, you’ll walk away ecstatic – it’s all in how you look at the situation!
But what about the times when life really throws a curve ball? I think about a client whose child is terribly addicted to drugs. She has needed to lower her expectations incrementally as well as learn to let go of control and the dreams she had for her child’s future. I’ve watched her go through this necessary process, but each time she’s lowered the bar she’s also had to grieve for a future that will likely never happen.
As with all difficult emotions, disappointment can be a great teacher. As Martin Luther King Jr stated, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” Regardless of the hand life deals us, we must always, always recognize we have a choice about our attitude. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think it’s an easy choice – and no judgements if you don’t choose a great attitude right away or all of the time – join the club.
But… it is important to note that both psychologists and Christians agree that disappointment, left unchecked has the likely potential to lead to discouragement, doubt, disillusionment and despair– talk about adding insult to injury. If you find yourself in a season marked by deep disappointment, I encourage you to:
– Be gentle and patient with yourself – no ‘musturbating’ or ‘should-ing yourself’ as Ellis would say 
– Honestly examine the gap between your hopes and reality. Ask yourself what your hopes are, where they came from and who or what are they grounded in
– Find a couple trusted people to process and be real with. If you’re a Christian this includes being honest with God about your feelings – He’s a big boy and can handle your sincere “Why God Why” questions.
– And work, even though it’s very difficult, on not allowing the disappointment to take root in your life – it will only make things worse.
Here are a couple of resources to help:
Albert Ellis – How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable
Lysa TerKeurst – It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way
Philip Yancey – Disappointment with God