….One of the things I share with Successful Single Women is the importance of breaking their biases when it comes to how they view the right men for them.
Before we go further with talking about biases, let’s define what a bias means.
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Bias from the dictionary means – An Inclination towards something; predisposition, partiality, prejudice, preference, predilection.
If we are to zoom in on one of the keywords “prejudice” what can we learn about that word?
Prejudice is defined as;
An adverse judgment or opinion formed beforehand or without knowledge of the facts.
So we have established and broken down what a bias is and my own definition will be;
A Bias is you forming an opinion of someone and in this case a Man based on ignorance, assumptions and inherited thinking.
(SAGENEL 2023)
We see it all the time in our world, people forming opinions and coming to conclusions about people based on inherited thinking, assumptions and lack of knowledge.
You see a person come from a certain country and tribe and you make an assumption from what you have been told that all men coming from that country and tribe act that certain way.
One of the important signs of adulthood is upgraded and independent thinking.
It is the ability to think outside of the box and independently of what you have been told not out of rebellion but to come up with conclusions that are more aligned with your convictions.
Because what you are not truly convinced about, you will never take responsibility and accountability for. So it is important that you understand whether you are a man or woman reading this column that you have to start to think and challenge ideas that you have inherited, not in rebellion but in a quest for a clear and more convinced path steeped in truth.
This is very important and has become a challenge in our world, because we are having a number of women pass up on good Men because of biases and prejudice as we have defined.
It is important that you take out time to start working on some of those biases that you have that has probably been hindering you from getting married.
Some of the ways to find out if there are underlying biases that you are dealing with is by asking yourself some of these questions.
What is my definition of a Good Man?
What is my definition of the Right Kind of Husband?
What do I consider as a fine man? What are features that make a man fine to me?
What are features that make a man “ugly” to me.
Is this an original thinking or was this sold to me?
What are my thoughts and depositions towards men with disabilities, do I think that they are less and unattractive because they can’t walk, see or talk?
Why do I think certain (fill in your categories) kinds of Men are more attractive to me than some others? What are my metrics for measuring the right man for me? Is it a healthy or a faulty metric?
What do I really need from a Man to make a Marriage work truthfully?
(Be honest with yourself!)
We can go on and on, but I want to leave you with those 7 questions to think about as you break your Biases on the journey to Meeting Your Husband.
Let’s talk about Standards.
So if we are saying Biases and Standards are two different things, then what are standards?
According to the Dictionary;
Standards are used as a Measure, Norm or Model.
It also is a level of Quality and Attainment.
These are brilliant definitions that help to set the foundation for my point.
My own definition for Standards will be your Value Systems, Your Ethics, Your Principles, Your Conviction, Your Belief System that makes you function in the World as a Healthy, Valuable and Meaningful person to be around in the World.
(SAGENEL 2023)
There could be a very thin line between standards and bias in the sense that a person could have some biases in their standard without even knowing it.
Consistent self evaluation and assessment will help bring that to your attention and help you outgrow any biases you might have in your standards.
Standards are very important because it is what helps you understand your boundaries and communicate those boundaries on what is ethical for you to do and be a part of.
It is actually not okay for you to not have any form of value system.
You get blown everywhere the wind blows, that is not healthy and is definitely not the characteristics of an adult.
As an adult as you evolve and upgrade you think more independenly like we established earlier, you have to start mapping out what a successful life will look like for you.
Standards are also what will determine the metrics for what a Successful Life looks like for you.
Without your Standards (Values, Conviction and your System of living) you really cannot deliver authentically and be outstanding, because you would always feel the need to fit into everyone’s box and you will wear yourself out.
So what has Standards got to do with Marriage?
In order to live an authentic life, you need to live by your value system and convictions, in order to have an authentic marriage it is important that you come together with and you both share the same values, conviction and belief system at the very foundational level.
For instance if your standard and value system is set on being the only wife of your husband, you can’t go around trying to be a second wife or a side chicks. Whereas there are many women who don’t mind being second wives or even side chicks.
Do you see what I am saying?
There are diverse kinds of examples.
There is even the example of religion.
If two people get married from different religions, chances are that there is a different purpose they have chosen to come together for that is big enough to allow them compromise on the aspect of religion.
It could be Fame, Status, Money or anything else.
Is it Impossible to love a person from a different religion?
Of Course not!
However,
How such scenarios work is that either one party is choosing to compromise for the other (in an unhealthy way) or they are taking the sacrifice of combining their different belief systems, despite the conflict it may bring to their family (even children) beyond them for a bigger purpose as defined by them.
Perhaps,
We should talk about this topic more explicitly?
Share your thoughts with me via Email or Social Media.
In summary the key to knowing the difference between a Bias versus Standard and how to break your Biases against Men without lowering your standards is to make sure that you are always assessing yourself with quality resources like this and even engaging a Coach and Therapist where needed, and I can help you!
Unlike the complaints and myths going round town that there is a “Scarcity of Good Men” you have to understand that there is a Great Abundance of Great Men!
Really Really Great Men!
Sometimes,
They may not come in the “container” and “package” we have been taught to see them through, but we have got to move beyond our biases to see beyond the exterior without compromising our standards, because those standard (values, convictions, belief system, ethics) when they are aligned with the right kind of Man who also has similar standards is what would make your Marriage work when emotions wear off and in challenging times.
Let me know how you feel, what you learnt and what questions you have regarding this topic.
Send your questions to nkechiemmanuellayode@gmail.com