When Your Ex Is a “Gopher Parent”

I use the term “Gopher Parent” for a parent who seems to disappear underground—and then suddenly pops back up.

They’re gone for a while.

Then they want the weekend. They show up for the birthday. They make an exciting promise.

And then… they’re gone again.

Meanwhile, you’re doing the ordinary parenting.

School. Homework. Appointments. Bedtime. Discipline.

And when your ex doesn’t follow through, you’re often the one standing there when your child asks:

“Why didn’t Mom/Dad show up?”

One of the hardest things I tell parents is: you don’t have to cover for your ex.

You don’t need to invent an excuse.

You can simply say:

“I don’t know why they haven’t called. I know that’s disappointing.”

But there’s another side to this too.

Your child shouldn’t become the person you vent to about how unreliable your ex is.

They aren’t your witness. They aren’t the judge in your divorce. And they shouldn’t have to choose which parent is right.

Instead, focus on what you can control.

Make your home predictable.

Keep adult communication between adults.

Don’t make your child responsible for chasing the other parent.

And when your ex promises they’ll change, watch the pattern—not just the promise.

If they’re becoming more involved, you’ll eventually see it in the boring parts too:

Showing up on time.

Calling when they said they would.

Remembering appointments.

Helping with homework.

Being there consistently.

You can’t co-parent with yourself. But you also can’t force another adult to become the parent you want them to be.

Sometimes the question has to change from:

“How do I get my ex to parent differently?”

to:

“How do I parent well when I can’t control what my ex does?”

Read the complete article on my website → https://marinaedelman.com/blogs/co-parenting-with-a-gopher-parent/