She looked at me like I’d suggested she try flapping her arms and flying home.
I’d floated the idea of being a little kinder to herself — nothing dramatic — and her response was immediate. Almost allergic. “That feels fake.” Then, quieter: “I don’t think I can do that.”
I’ve had this conversation more times than I can count. And every time, I want to push back on the idea that self-compassion is simple — a mindset shift, a decision, something you can learn from a meditation app. Because for a lot of the women I work with, self-compassion doesn’t feel like a warm hug. It feels like a threat. And that response makes complete sense once you understand what trauma actually does.
Safety Can Feel Dangerous
For many survivors of relational or chronic trauma, moments of softness — feeling okay, letting your guard down — often came before something painful. The nervous system learns that pattern. So when self-compassion asks you to soften, your whole system goes: absolutely not.
That’s not resistance. That’s your brain doing exactly what it was trained to do.
The Shame Underneath
For many people with complex trauma or BPD, there’s something underneath the fear: shame. Not guilt (“I did something bad”) but shame (“I am bad”). You can’t offer genuine kindness to a self you believe doesn’t deserve it. And that belief didn’t come from nowhere — it got built over years of being treated like you were too much, not enough, or simply wrong.
The harshest inner critics usually developed for a reason. They weren’t born mean — they learned to be, in environments where self-criticism felt safer than the alternative.
What It Actually Looks Like
Early self-compassion after trauma rarely looks like “I love and accept myself.” It looks more like: I’m going to stop calling myself an idiot every time I make a mistake. Modest. Concrete. And usually met with internal pushback — because the part of you that’s been running the self-criticism has a job, and it’s not going to quit quietly.
Getting curious about that part — rather than trying to bulldoze it — is often where things start to shift. Not dramatically. Not all at once. But they shift.
Want to read the full article?
The full post — including why “just be kinder to yourself” misses the point, and what the research and clinical work actually say — is on my website: stephaniecampoli.ca/blog.
Stephanie Campoli, MSW, RSW is a trauma therapist and DBT specialist based in Oshawa, Ontario. She works primarily with women navigating complex trauma, CPTSD, and BPD — the kind of clients who’ve often been told they’re “too much” and have spent years believing it.
Stephanie is extensively trained in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), with additional training in Internal Family Systems (IFS). She offers individual therapy in-person in Oshawa and virtually across Ontario and Nova Scotia, as well as low-cost DBT skills groups.
Her approach is warm, direct, and a little bit witty — because healing doesn’t have to be joyless, and good therapy shouldn’t feel like a lecture.
🌐 Website: stephaniecampoli.ca
📸 Instagram: @stephaniecampoli_psychotherapy
📍 Oshawa, Ontario | Virtual across Ontario & Nova Scotia