Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms?

A client recently asked Dr. Gayle MacBride about Cameron Diaz’s comment about sleeping in separate bedrooms. Here’s Dr. MacBride’s response.

A growing number of Americans are choosing to sleep separately. There can be some benefits to this arrangement, but there can also be a cost associated with it. 

The benefit of sleeping in separate rooms may include getting better quality sleep and we know that feeling well-rested can lead us to be our better selves, maybe even leading to less arguing and bickering that comes from feeling sleep deprived. 

• Improved Sleep Quality: If one partner snores loudly, tosses and turns frequently, or has different sleep schedules, sleeping separately can lead to better sleep quality for both individuals. I have been a therapist at the Department of Veterans Affairs and sometimes Vets are reluctant to sleep with partners because they thrash about and might accidentally strike a bed partner. 

• Reduced Disturbances: Some people are light sleepers and easily disturbed by their partner’s movements, snoring, or CPAP machine. Sleeping separately can reduce these disturbances and promote better rest. Also, in my practice I sometimes see people who sleep separately because one person in the partner wants/needs to sleep with a pet, but this same pet is disruptive to the other partner. They will sometimes sleep in separate rooms to accommodate both. Similarly, if your bed partner has nightmares and the result is that they become very sweaty, then it may work better for them to sleep in a different room. This is also true if your bed partner is a woman who is going through menopause and having sleep disturbances related to this hormonal change. Often these women can require a change of sleep-wear, sheets, and fans or ice packs to cope with significant temperature changes at night.

• Independence: It can provide each partner with their own personal space, which may be important for some individuals who value their independence and alone time. This might even include a partner who has trauma in their past. For these people it can be difficult to share a room because they may struggle to feel safe or settled enough to sleep well. 

• Health and Hygiene: If one partner is sick or contagious, sleeping separately can help prevent the spread of illness. This being said, this is not a routine reason to sleep separately. 

Routinely sleeping in a separate bedroom can have a negative impact on the long term health of your relationship. While this arrangement may be growing in popularity, there are distinct costs associated with this choice that should be considered before you make this choice for you and your relationship. 

• Reduced Intimacy: One of the most common concerns is that it can lead to a decrease in physical intimacy and emotional connection between partners. Sleeping in the same bed with a romantic partner can release oxytocin. Oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone” or “bonding hormone,” it is a neuropeptide that plays a crucial role in social bonding, trust, and emotional connection. It is released in various situations, including during physical touch, intimacy, and bonding experiences. When you sleep in close physical proximity to your romantic partner, such as cuddling, hugging, or simply sleeping together, the physical contact and emotional connection can stimulate the release of oxytocin. This hormone can contribute to feelings of love, affection, and attachment between partners. Oxytocin is not exclusively released during sleep but can also be released during moments of physical affection, sexual activity, and other bonding experiences. This chemical plays a significant role in promoting emotional intimacy and strengthening the connection between romantic partners.

• Communication Issues: If couples are not sharing a bedroom, it may reduce opportunities for casual conversations, bonding, and pillow talk. Pillow talk can be some of the most important connection and communication opportunities during a busy day, especially if you have young children. Time together in bed is the time we talk about the dream we just had or to share small bits of information that may seem superficially meaningless, but help contribute to what the Gottmans (relationship experts) call Love Maps (which is your understanding of your partner). 

• Physical Closeness: Sharing a bed allows couples to experience physical closeness and touch, which can contribute to a sense of intimacy and connection. Cuddling, holding hands, and other forms of physical affection are more accessible when sleeping together. Frankly, sometimes when one partner has sleep trouble, like insomnia, we may instruct them to “go to bed” with their partner with the intention of cuddling, which results in them relaxing enough to sleep while getting them around the temptation of “sleep effort”. Sleep effort is the term we use when someone is “trying to fall asleep”, which can be counter productive to sleep. 

• Emotional Bonding: The act of sleeping side by side can create a feeling of emotional intimacy and security. This physical proximity can lead to more spontaneous conversations, sharing of thoughts and feelings, and a deeper emotional connection. Again, there may be a role for helping soothe a partner if they struggle to feel safe at night due to trauma or anxiety. If the latter is true, then it gives your partner a chance to “show up” for you. 

• Shared Experiences: When couples share a bed, they experience daily routines and rituals together, such as going to bed and waking up at the same time. These shared experiences can strengthen the bond between partners and foster a sense of togetherness.

• Intimacy and Sexuality: For many couples, the bedroom is a space where they engage in physical intimacy and sexual activity. Sleeping in the same bed provides easy access to physical intimacy, which can be an important aspect of a romantic relationship. There may be an increase in spontaneity or simply logistical access. 

• Bonded Sleep Patterns: Sharing a bed often encourages couples to align their sleep patterns, which can be beneficial for maintaining a harmonious daily routine and minimizing sleep-related disruptions.

• Perception of Problems: Some people may perceive sleeping separately as a sign of relationship problems, which can contribute to stigma or misunderstandings. If you are not both aligned with sleeping in separate rooms and one person is only “just ok” with that arrangement, it can create problems and resentments. 

• Societal Expectations: Society often promotes the idea of couples sharing a bed, so there may be external pressure or judgment from others. It may even be the reason that one person in the relationship isn’t really ok with sleeping separately. 

• Cost and Space: For me Cameron Diaz’s recent comments about sleeping separately were just a bit tone deaf. Our current economy has many people struggling financially. This means they do not have a separate bedroom, it means that sleeping separately will require one of the people to be sleeping on a couch or in another more public area of the home. It’s just not feasible to have separate bedrooms, let alone separate houses as she suggests. This kind of arrangement can be very costly at a time when two-income households are “just making it” or one person needs a second job. This additional pressure almost certainly will contribute to unhappiness and problems in the relationship. 

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