How Can You Become More Charismatic?

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here’s a link to that article.

And, here’s her longer response:

Why might people want to become more charismatic?

Social Influence: Charisma helps individuals influence, inspire, and connect with others effectively. Being connected socially is one of the most important parts of our humanness. Being a part of a group, tribe, or clan has always been essential to our survival. I think we are wired to desire social connections; yes, even if you are an introvert. Those connections are just fewer in number and the duration of connected time may be less.

Career Advancement: Charismatic people often find it easier to network, build rapport, and advance in their careers. Watching a charismatic person advance and know that it’s their personality that is providing them those opportunities, it’s natural to want that for yourself too.

Confidence and Personal Growth: Developing charisma boosts self-confidence and encourages personal growth. People with charisma are intentional about their communication skills, develop emotional intelligence, and use that emotional attentiveness to connect with empathy. This can lead to greater compassion for self and others.

Likability and Relationships: Charismatic individuals are generally well-liked and may be perceived as having more satisfying personal relationships. Although, it should be noted that this is when this quality is used in positive ways.

Leadership and Motivation: Charisma is valuable for inspiring and leading others, both personally and professionally. People who are reported to be charismatic have the ability to lead large groups of people and use their position to influence their “followers” choices. We see this kind of leadership in business, politics, religion, arts, media, and even in some therapists. Caution should be used when you have that kind of attention and audience. 

What is charisma?

Charisma is not something that we have the ability to measure, yet lay people tend to agree on it when they see or experience it. It is what we might call a construct – an idea of theory that is subjective. People who have this quality are described as having a likability, they are described as charming, and people feel pulled to be around that individual. We find ourselves wanting more. 

What makes someone charismatic?

Charismatic people possess confidence. They believe in themselves and others can see this confidence. This confidence is not arrogance, it is well-earned and accurate positive self-image. 

They are effective communicators; able to express themselves clearly and engage in active listening. They are engaged with their audience. 

Often these are people that pull people’s attention to them just by their physical presence. They possess an appearance, body language or manner of speaking that draws people in. 

Charismatic people are genuine and people can see and respond to that. They are confident enough to say “I don’t know”, they can share their interpersonal power with others and can connect emotionally with those around them. 

These are people who we often describe as “good storytellers”. We want to hear what they have to say, even if we have heard the story before, we want them to tell it again. 

What are ways to improve charisma, and why do you recommend them?

1. Self-confidence: build your self-confidence by practicing self-affirmation. Don’t hesitate to say to yourself “good job” or to think to yourself, “wow, I’m proud of how that turned out”. Make this part of your daily self-talk. Remember that we can’t be good at all things and we can’t get good at things until we endure the risk of failure.

2. Self-esteem: yes, this is different from self-confidence. Esteem is a more general assessment of yourself as a person. To develop this you need to be able to see past your own flaws (we all have them) and to know that it’s ok to have these flaws. You need to be able to know that “failures” are not people, but events. Thinking more objectively about yourself and the events in your life can help you develop more positive self esteem. 

3. Engage others: Listen carefully when others are talking. Never ask a question that you don’t have the time to listen to. A simple “how are you today?” is an opportunity to really listen and engage. Show genuine interest in others. You might surprise people if you really listen to their answer. Most of us ask and answer this question without a lot of thought. Next time, ask and really listen to the answer, maybe even ask an open-ended follow up question. 

4. Nonverbal communication: make eye contact when you are listening as well as speaking to others. Use your body language to tell the other person that they are the most important thing to you right now. Leaning your body in a little toward the other person communicates that you are fully engaged. 

5. Use the other person’s name: We tend to enjoy hearing our name spoken. It’s a great way to feel seen and heard by another person. It’s an acknowledgement of our presence and importance. It’s a simple thing, but write down the name of the service rep on the phone or ask the name of the wait staff at a restaurant (if they aren’t wearing a name tag). It’s a simple thing you can do to show people they are valued by you. 

6. Be real: Authenticity brings connection. Make an effort to share your experiences, both good and bad. Being relatable is important to being likable. This can be a good time to share something humorous about yourself. Don’t go all in on an embarrassing story that is too revealing, but just enough to make you human and create a safe space for others to do the same. 

7. Be empathic: Empathy is true connection with another person, it’s the moment when you can really relate to someone, even if your experiences aren’t exactly the same. You don’t have to tell them this story, you can just think it. As you are imagining the parallels in the two stories, you will be able to access the associated emotions. Attuning to emotions is the key to genuine empathy. 

8. Find opportunities: Where others see challenges and problems that have to be dealt with you find an opportunity. This is an important part of mindset training. If you train yourself to see opportunities, you will experience the associated stress as “eustress” (the good kind of stress), instead of distress. Eustress can even be described as “excitement”.

9. Bring others along: We all want to belong. Use your position to include others, this is sometimes called “power with/power to”. We can share the power we hold with others or we can view it as a finite resource. If it is limited, then we want/need to hoard it and we get a “power over” model. People are more responsive to the shared model, where we can empower them through our words and actions. We all want to belong and including others in an opportunity can make you seem more charismatic. 

Is there a such thing as being too charismatic? 

I’m not sure if there is a thing of being too charismatic, but it can definitely be manipulated and used to hurt people. The far end of that spectrum are individuals who might be described a psychopathic. These are individuals that often present themselves in a good light, but they tend to lack true empathy. They might be able to fake empathy and make others believe they have it, but it’s usually very shallow. These individuals then use their engaging natures to draw people in for their own personal gain. When they have gotten what they want, they discard the relationship and move on. The difficulty with individuals like this is they often go under our social radar until they have left your presence and then you might have this little feeling of being “worked” or manipulated. Often you don’t notice it at the moment. 

Are there risks associated with being too charismatic?

The biggest risk of being taken in by someone who is too charismatic is that you might be manipulated into decisions that you might not otherwise make. History is full of leaders that have convinced people to do things they wouldn’t have otherwise done. 

Apart from the absolute dark side of this trait, if you are perceived as trying too hard, you run the risk of looking insincere or even narcissistic. Although, frankly when narcissism is a part of the picture, then you are likely missing the true self-esteem and self-confident piece of charisma. Narcissists are usually tooting their own horn so loud to convince others to do it as well.

If you are following someone who is very charismatic you might succumb to “groupthink” because you might hesitate to bring up a differing point of view for fear that their attention and inclusion of you would wane. Group-think happens in an environment where dissent isn’t heard or welcomed and a group’s decision making is compromised because it isn’t taking in all the information. 

Very charismatic people may struggle to live up to the expectations that others place on them. Others may over rely on them for validation and this can lead to unhealthy dependency or even burnout. 

What are some books, podcasts, or recommendations in general for people trying to improve their charisma?

• The book, The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane

• If you are feeling brave, try a comedy improv class. It can be a great way to come out of your shell, will teach you active listening skills, as well as the “power of the ‘yes, and’”. 

• Some of my clients have reported good success with Toastmasters as a place to learn the kinds of skills they needed to feel and be more charismatic. 

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