Reasons to Unfollow Your Former Significant Other on Instagram

Recently Dr. Gayle MacBride was interviewed by Beth Ann Mayer from Parade magazine, about that very topic.

Here’s a link to that article.

And, here’s her longer response:

Why is it a good idea to consider whether or not to follow an ex on Instagram?

• Friendship: Some people are able to break up and remain truly friends. If you have an amicable relationship with an ex you might consider continuing to follow them on social media to help stay connected and keep up with each other’s lives (see also co-parenting). 

• Mutual friends: If you share mutual friends with your ex, following them on Instagram may help you stay in the loop about social events or gatherings involving those friends.

• Closure: For some individuals, following their ex on Instagram can provide a sense of closure or help them move on from the past relationship. For good or bad, it can help remind us why we broke up in the first place. Seeing their ex’s life from that kind of distance can help make you feel a bit more in control of fluctuating emotions. 

• Curiosity: Human curiosity is natural, and people may want to know what their ex is up to or how they are doing post-breakup. Following them on social media can satisfy this curiosity. Be thoughtful about this because satisfying this comes at a cost of the “rubbernecking” or continued “heartbreak” when you see what your ex is up to. 

• Co-parenting or shared responsibilities: In cases where ex-partners share children or other responsibilities, following each other on social media can be practical for coordination and communication.

It’s rare that anything is all good or bad. There are some reasons that following an ex on IG is reasonable or even beneficial, but overall we have a somewhat negative reaction to it because it is fraught with problems. Most breakups are hard on us emotionally. Many of them involve the feeling of heartbreak for at least one person in the partnership. Heartbreak is a very real and physically painful experience. More recent science has shown that the feeling of a broken heart can result in the kind of bodily stress that heart does actually undergo changes and responds to the stress. This stress can be triggered by seeing images of the loved person. This is why we would tear up or burn old photos of our exs. Now with social media, it’s harder to do this, what’s more their image may pop into your feed when you don’t expect it. What’s more, we can forget that social media is curated and doesn’t really represent the truth of someone’s life. We can fall prey to a skewed representation of what they are up to and how they are doing. 

Seeing what your ex is up to, with people you used to hangout with (or vice versa allowing them to still passively see what you are up to and who you are with) may trigger significant jealousy and bring on additional hurt or worse, drama. Consider what boundaries you have in place to manage your own emotional well-being and what your ex may need in order to manage theirs. 

Even when the breakup was friendly and all involved have found a healthy way to stay involved, now we have to consider the new partner. A future partner may feel uncomfortable with that arrangement and believe that your continued involvement with this ex is a signal that you still have feelings for that person. Co-parenting younger children might be a good exception to this because it can often be helpful for younger kids to see their parents still getting along and staying connected on social media can be a way to show them this. 

When is it a good idea to not follow your ex on Instagram?

1. Managing your emotions: Staying off your ex’s IG account can help you manage uncomfortable emotions like jealousy, sadness, and resentment. Seeing what they are up to and with whom can be hurtful and even lead to unhelpful comparisons to how they were with you. This can lead to questioning worth and self-esteem. 

2. Closure: Getting a little (or a lot) of distance between you and your ex can be an important part of forgiving and moving on in your own life. Staying connected on social media makes that more difficult. 

3. Boundaries: Prentis Hemphill says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Keeping healthy boundaries allows you to move forward in your life and gives your ex the space to do the same. Priya Parker in her book The Art of the Gathering talks about not inviting someone to a party or gathering as a benevolent act because this means they don’t need to experience the stress of saying “no” or coming and not having a good time. Sometimes we need to consider not inviting someone to have access to outlives for those same reasons. 

4. Part of the picture: If you follow your ex on IG you are likely only getting a small snapshot of what is really going on with them. This small window into their lives leads to big opportunities to misunderstand and misinterpret what they think or how they are doing since being with you. 

5. New Relationships: Following an ex on IG can be a “bad look” in a new relationship. It sends the message that you may still have feelings for the ex or really haven’t moved on from that relationship. 

6. Comparison: Brene Brown talks about comparison as “be like everyone else, but better” and when you follow an ex on Instagram you can fall prey to comparing yourself to the people your ex is hanging out with now and worrying that you come up short. This can have real consequences for your self-esteem. 

7. Privacy: Let’s face it we don’t need our ex’s to know what we are up to since the breakup. Maintaining your own privacy as well as giving them the privacy to move on is important for both of you. 

If possible, it’s a good idea at the time of the break up to discuss and agree to unfollow each other. It’s always best to have respectful, caring, transparent conversation up front. This is not always possible, however, so in those cases, when you believe it is safe to do so, just unfollow the person. In today’s culture, it’s become relatively common to unfriend or unfollow people on social media. If you believe this is going to “blow up” and cause more of a problem, then Instagram give you a number of other options including muting the other person, you can set restrictions, and you can make a point of not interacting with their posts and stories and often the algorithm will respond by feeding your fewer of their posts and stories.

Much of the above advice does not apply to situations of abuse or domestic violence. In some situations, it is appropriate to involve law enforcement or an advocate that can help you in situations of interpersonal violence.

 Let’s face it, sometimes the general rule is ok to break. It can be appropriate to continue to follow your ex on Instagram if:

1. You have truly parted as friends or enough time has passed and a friendship makes sense again. Afterall, you shared some good times and personal history. Sometimes it makes sense to be connected on social media. It might even give you the opportunity to be a support to them if they are having a hard time with some other personal challenges. 

2. You are co-parenting. If you are raising a child or children together, being connected on social media may make good sense, especially as a passive way to share photos and updates. It can be helpful to see those things, but not have to communicate directly to receive those kinds of updates. 

3. You are still working or going to school together. Lots of relationships start due to proximity and it might be that even after the breakup your paths cross frequently. It might be ok to continue following your ex if they are an integral part of your work or school community. Your ex might even be a good network connection for you if you share career interests. 

4. Social or cultural commonalities. Again, proximity is often a determining factor in starting a new relationship and it might be the reason that you want to have a continued relationship over social media. Sometimes social and cultural communities are small and staying connected to someone that shares those same interests, friends in common, activities, or events is not a bad idea, or can even be good for your personal growth.

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