My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.” ~ Mizuta Masahide (17th century Japanese poet & samurai)
Resilience is the capacity of a person to adapt to difficult or challenging experiences. Resiliency is a testament to the strength of human character along with our ability to choose a course of action despite facing difficult challenges or trauma. Resilient people possess awareness (of self and others), self-confidence & control, problem-solving skills & coping strategies, along with meaningful relationships & social resources. Resiliency is not something you are born with – better – it is a skill that can be learned & honed, if you decide to make the effort.
Before we begin, please allow to get something off my chest. There are two sentences I wish we would quit saying:
- “He/she will bounce back.”
- “Kids are resilient.”
For both, the unstated prefix seems to be “don’t worry”. For me this feels dismissive of the difficult process a person may be going through. Regarding the first statement, we aren’t rubber; to truly come back from adversity takes time and effort. I feel it’s also important not to assume someone will become stronger afterwards; this is not helpful and can be harmful. Saying our children are resilient might be even worse. Children are actually not resilient – they become resilient if these behaviors are role-modeled for them. Sometimes I feel we use phrases like this to make ourselves feel better about arduous situations – that’s understandable – I just think there are better options. OK… I’ll get off my soapbox.
If you are wanting to cultivate a resilient spirit, here are seven areas to examine:
- Your level of competence (your actual ability and skills). Look back on the hard times and see how you responded. Ask yourself where there might be areas of growth while reminding yourself of the effective coping strategies you employed.
- Your level of confidence (your belief in your ability and skills). This is known as self-efficacy, a super-important but not particularly well-known psychological concept. I think I’ll do next week’s post on this, in the meantime try the following exercise (from Albert Bandura). First, think about an area of life where you have high confidence and ask yourself what causes you that sense of proficiency. Next, think of another area where you have low confidence. Apply the skills from the first area to the second – research shows you should be able to move from low to medium confidence in that domain.
- Your connections. Studies consistently show individuals with a strong social support network have a higher quality of life along with greater resilience. Do you have four empathic, trustworthy individuals in your life you turn to when needed? When life is difficult there can be a tendency to isolate vs. seeking out help. However, leaning on friends, relatives, associates, neighbors (AKA your FRAN) when life is tough will provide you the strength to make it through trying circumstances.
- Your character. It’s very important to live congruently – to align your behaviors with your beliefs – to make sure your inside and your outside match up. Incongruency causes anxiety, makes you more vulnerable to stress and lessens resilience. I tell my clients to try to be a WYS-I-WIG (what you see is what you get).
Spirituality also plays an important role. As Brené Brown asserts, practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives. Brown defines spirituality as “the belief in connection, a power greater than oneself, and interconnections grounded in love and compassion”. This purpose provides a foundation for our character, which is needed when life becomes overwhelming.
- Your contribution. It’s important to lean on others when times are difficult, it’s equally important to allow people to lean on you. Think of a grove of trees with intertwined roots. This system provides strength, community and a model of interconnectedness that allows for longevity and health. If you are not involved in anything altruistic, please find a purpose that brings you passion & consider giving back.
- Your coping. Central to any discussion on resiliency is the ability of an individual to have abundant coping skills. Take a moment to explore both your positive and negative problem-solving strategies, figure out when & why you use each and then challenge yourself to grow the healthy part of you. If you feel you don’t have enough beneficial coping skills, explore dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) which teaches many practical and proven problem-solving strategies (I’ll put a link below).
- Your control. We’ve already discussed the concept of an internal locus of control in a previous post, so I won’t go into detail here. When dealing with adversities do your best to maintain an appropriate level of control (not too much or too little). One way to do this is by balancing structure and flexibility. Another way is to remember what is in your control – you. To foster resiliency, the next time life brings hardship or misfortune, attempt to control your:
- thoughts by focusing on optimism, kindness, gratitude, acceptance etc.,
- feelings by not taking things overly personally, tolerating disappointment and not holding onto unnecessary hurts,
- actions by taking initiative, setting realistic goals and being persistent.
My hope for you isn’t the ability to ‘bounce back’ from life’s trials but rather to use your circumstances to learn and grow in a way that is compassionate, constructive and courageous.
References:
Brené Brown: The Gifts of Imperfection
Resources:
DBT Overview: https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/