No one just wakes up one day and decides to end a marriage—especially if there are kids involved.
What I see more often in my work is women—especially moms—staying in relationships where they are exhausted, overwhelmed, and emotionally depleted. Burned out beyond belief. Stuck in cycles of hope and heartbreak. They wait. They try. And then they wait and try some more. Until eventually, they realize: nothing is going to change.
Even then, many women still stay.
Why? Because the fear, the shame, the grief, the financial unknowns, the loss of stability, the sharing of children—it all feels impossible to face.
And so they sacrifice themselves.
Their mental health. Their bodies. Their nervous systems. Their joy.
Over time, this can look like chronic illness, panic attacks, autoimmune flares, migraines, debilitating anxiety or depression, suicidal thoughts, or self-destructive behaviors. These aren’t “just symptoms.” They’re the physical toll of being in a high-conflict marriage that is emotionally unsafe.
For Me, It Came Down to These 3 Truths:
- If I didn’t leave, I was going to die.
- My boys’ mental and physical health were suffering.
- They were going to grow up believing that what they were witnessing was what marriage was supposed to be.
Those three truths gave me the strength to do the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
And even now, I still go back and reread my journals. Because time has a way of blurring things. Distance makes us second-guess. You start wondering, Was it really that bad? You gaslight yourself. You rewrite history to cope.
Don’t do that to yourself. You don’t need to minimize what you lived through in order to move forward.
A Journaling Prompt That Helped Me:
What would my life look like if I stayed? What would my kids’ lives look like?
It’s a gut punch to sit with. But it’s clarifying.
Making the right decision doesn’t mean making the easy one. If you’re contemplating a massive change, try this:
*”If I don’t do this, what will my life look like in one year? Five years? Ten?”
And then journal honestly:
- What are you afraid of?
- What’s keeping you stuck?
- What would you need to feel safe enough to move forward?
What’s holding you back is powerful information.
A Note on Therapy (and a Shout Out to Audra)
Please get support. You need a skilled, trauma-informed therapist to walk with you through this kind of loss.
For me, that was Audra. She walked with me for over three and a half years. And yes—psychologists have therapists. We need to.
I originally went to therapy to process my mother’s death during Covid. But what came up was the unraveling of my marriage.
Ironically, I was terrified of dying young like my mom. But I was heading down the same path because of the stress I was carrying. And what led me to therapy turned out to be just the doorway. The real work was what came next.
A good therapist doesn’t push you to act before you’re ready. They hold space for the confusion. For the fear. For the truth you’re not quite ready to say out loud.
Healing is a process. Sometimes it starts with contemplation long before it ever reaches action.
Quick Fixes Didn’t Help Me
I tried everything at the beginning.
I watched YouTube videos. Signed up for courses. Downloaded PDFs. Everyone had a 3-step plan to heal heartbreak.
But nothing clicked. Because healing isn’t a checklist.
It’s a timeline. A slow return to yourself. And what helped most were the voices that validated how long and messy the process really is.
A Love Letter to the Millennials (and Michelle)
Now if you’ve been following me for a while, you know I speak to Gen X mamas. We are loyal to a fault. We were raised by Baby Boomers and the Silent Generation. We don’t quit. We endure. We stay.
I grew up with that legacy. My mom wouldn’t have left my dad no matter what. My great-grandparents were married 56 years and deeply loved each other. “Till death do us part” wasn’t a saying, it was a mandate.
So when I started to even think about ending my marriage, it was soul-crushing.
Research shows that Gen Xers stay in unhappy marriages longer than any other generation. But Millennials? Oh, they are not here for the suffering.
Which brings me to Michelle.
Michelle was one of the best things to come out of expanding my private practice. She started as my supervisee, and became one of my dearest friends.
She stood by me when everything fell apart. When people I considered my closest friends disappeared. When I didn’t want to talk to anyone. When I was ashamed. When I was barely holding it together.
She listened. She reminded me I wasn’t crazy. She told me I was doing the right thing. That I mattered too. That it wasn’t just about survival. That it was about living.
She reminded me not to lose myself. And that reminder saved me.
These millennials don’t wait around to be rescued. They speak up. They walk away. They seek joy.
And I am forever grateful for my Millennial Michelle. ❤️
If You’re Going Through It Right Now
Leaving a marriage is not easy. It’s not quick. It’s not something anyone takes lightly.
It is grief. Trauma. Loss. Unraveling. Rebuilding. It’s complicated when it’s just you. It’s excruciating when you have children.
You can’t just leave. You have to co-parent. You have to keep showing up. You have to grieve while packing lunches and managing school emails.
If you’re going through it:
- Be kind to yourself.
- Reach out to friends you can trust.
- Find a therapist who gets it.
- Find a group who sees you and validates what you’re carrying.
And if you know someone going through it? Be a Michelle. Show up. Stay. Let them talk. Don’t try to fix it. Just love them where they are.
No one should have to do this alone.
With love and integrity,
Dr. Cynthia
Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver is a licensed psychologist specializing in Narcissistic Burnout. To learn more, head on over to http://www.drcynthiahawver.com